Friday, March 10, 2006

No Girls Allowed

I have always been a kind of "fuck-the-establishment" kind of person. But hidden in the veneer of a good girl. I could go into great detail, about how I defaced school property and skipped school andclimbed out the windows in study hall and got away with it marvelously because everyone trusted me, but I will just suffice it to say that I have always been able to get what I wanted. I AM a good girl, but I am pretty headstrong and my mom used to say that my Grandma (who died before I was born) used to say "where there's a will, there's a way." And that has stuck with me and I have lived by that sentiment.

This morning I was thinking of just how handy it could be if you were a cyborg. You could have a retinal scanner built in that would detect police cars from a quarter mile away. You could jam their radar. You could control their car mentally and prevent them from chasing you. How fun would that be?

I think alot of my thinking this way came from my dad. He is a great guy. But he is also going to do what he wants. No matter what the "rules" say. And my mom always taught me to look out for number one. Being a woman I have that soft compassionate side of me, but I was one of two girls and we were tomboys. We wore pink (at least I did, my sister despised it) and had long straight blonde hair, but we could ride dirt bikes and dad taught me how to change my own oil when I was 16. And when I was 17 I spent the day helping him put a new transmission in my car. He passed on the ability to analyze a sitation and think things through before making a decision. He got me to think outside the box and research everything. I am a chronic overanalyzer. My mom is the same way. I was doomed from the start. LOL. My dad passed onto me the desire to understand How things work. My dad can fix anything. He will tear apart anything from a stereo to a clock to a car and put it back together pretty much effortlessly.

Our job as daughters has always been to hold the flashlight for my dad and hand him sockets and bolts. Even at 4 and 5 years old, I was adept with a trouble light and knew which socket was which with a little prompting. (I was in kindergarden at 4) When we were young and my sister and I would fight, mom would seperate us by sending one of us to the shop with dad. We would carouse about the farm and make mud pies and explore buildings and lay on the grass in the sun with our head on a cow's neck. Dad would be in the shop working on something and we would wander in and out to check up with him and see how things were going. I think there was a lot of "how much longer till that is fixed, dad?" and if we out and about and heard a car or snowmobile or motorcycle rev up inside the shop we would come running because we knew that the mission was accomplished, and that with just a little more tweaking, we might be going home for lunch or for a test drive to see how well it runs.

Albeit scary, this exposure to the world of mechanical things, and learning how to be responsible for my own car and how much fun a day on the farm is, and how just about anything can be fixed instead of replaced- it gave me an insight into the male mind. It helped me to think like a guy, more so than lots of girls ever get a chance to.

My knowlegde and understanding of all things guy, and my appreciation for cars and motorcycles, resulted in a long string of male friendships. It also resulted in trips to all the strip clubs in a 2 hour radius, being able to held my own in any belching contest, and a trucker mouth that can stop any guy dead in his tracks. I was raised to get excited over bb guns, go carts, and tractors. My sister got the same traits. But since she is a Nascar fan, hers are actually worse. We are that girl in the strip club with 6 or 8 guys. You know the one, drinking free drinks, letting the strippers take dollars from our shirts and our mouths without even flinching, while the guys drool and cheer. We are the girl helping those very same 6 drunk guys home at night, taking their shoes off and being the shoulder they lean on when they can't walk. We are the girl that got them out of that fight, or the girl that got them to sober up long enough to realize that that girl is NOT going home with all of us.

Even though I have been with Evan for 10 years, I am the girl that was a "girlfriend" of sorts to the 6 guys who either had no girlfriend, or whose girlfriend couldn't handle all the "guy activities." I was the only girl in a "no girls allowed" club. If you didn't have a girlfriend, I am the girl that would go to every one of your softball games, pour a beer over the scrape on your leg, put your hat back on your head, and send you back out there. I am the girl that would take a road trip with you to your state softball tournament and carry your sunglasses and your glove, and cheer you on from the stands. That's just the way I have always been. I am nurturing but not in an annoying, whining, overbearing girl kind of way. Have I been hit on by those guy friends? You bet. Have they been drunk and tried to kiss me? Sure. Have they given me big kisses on the cheek or a hug to thank me? Sure they have.

I was in a bar about 4 years ago, and I had a denim shirt with snaps down the front, and one of them got the fab idea to "unsnap" all the buttons with one great "rip" and it worked. Much to their amusement, I just turned around and stood stomach to stomach with one of them while I buttoned my shirt back up. They got a hella kick out of that. and I made a note to self that I would never wear that shirt around them again. And in college, two guys sat on either side of the aisle in the auditorium where my classes were held. When I walked down the aisle, they each grabbed a leg on my adidas warm up pants (the ones that snap all down the sides) and swiftly ripped them completely open clear to the buttons on the waist. They had a whole class full of aggies laughing at me... and I laughed right along with them. These are just things that guys DO. They are always looking at a way to get your clothes off you. Crafty bastards. but through all these gags, Have I always kept them in line and warded off their drunken advances? Yep. Because not only do I not cheat, and do I respect my husband (and my boyfriend at the time) But I didn't ever want those guys to lose their girlfriends because of a stupid judgement call when they were drunk. And their girlfriends probably never knew that they were safer with me than with any other woman on the planet. I took care of them and I kept them in line.

But I was still a girl. I am the one who could boil the sweet corn at their impromptu cookouts and the one who could quickly get that stain out of that shirt their girlfriend bought them.

That's where the nurturing part of me comes in. I have always been afraid that if Evan and I have kids, and they are boys, it will be a terrible and scary thing, and they will ruin everything I own and wreak evil havoc on my life. (ala Malcolm in the Middle) But somehow, when looking into my past relationships with guys, and seeing how they tend to look to me for help and how well we get along, I think maybe that's not exactly true. Maybe I am the mom who was made to have 3 boys and I don't even know it. Maybe I could be a football mom and do all the guy things with my kids and still be a girl.... just like I have been able to succesfully done all along. I always have loved all kinds of animals, and am not squeamish around fish and lizards and snakes. Maybe all that is for a reason.

I recognize that women and girls (especially teenage ones) are extremely catty and bitchy. I know, I can be too. and it isn't any fun to deal with that day in and out. My mom did it with two girls. Poor mom. And Poor dad for never having a son. But as daughters, I think we were the best sons we could be. And I don't think that my dad feels like he has to protect us too much because he knows that we are fast thinkers and don't generally let a guy get one over on us.

My parents did an excellent job of raising us. I always thought I would rather have girls, but Maybe having boys wouldn't be so bad after all....

I have to say that nothing makes me happier than seeing all my guy friends find the right girl. Some of their wives have become great friends of mine. And some of them are even having kids now. So here's to old times, spent with friends. I think some of them probably don't even realize how much those times meant to me. They are all the brothers and protectors that I never had. Of course, I mean "brothers" in a sexy way.
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Jackson said...

One of your greatest posts ever, Here is to more women and friends like you. By the way you and my wife are very much a like in many ways

dazed said...

I love your wife. She is so nice and fun and adorable too.

But like I said in my post, great huys who are my friends usually end up with great wives that I can really get along with.

I am glad you liked the post. Since I hadn't had any comments yet, I was thinking everyone thought I was crazy.

Mom101 said...

Epic post. Amazing. Especially love the pic of the shirt and the matching couch. (and hey, thanks for the link, lady!)

Tina said...

That was definitely an outpouring from the heart!

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