Friday, March 24, 2006

If you're going to do it, do it big...

I am a collector. I like shiny things. Like a bird. I can fly overhead and see something shiny and I will swoop down and attack if I have to. I must have things shiny, sparkly, pink, orange, red, sleek black with chrome. I can't have just ONE of anything. I become attached to things. I have cool stuff. It costs me lots of money. I am addicted. I need a 12 step program. But I am sure that wouldn't even begin to cure me.

I am crafty and I can't stop. I can do ANYTHING and it is a disease that I caught from my mother and my aunt and it devours my life. I have the disease ten thousand times stronger than they ever did. I am envied by all non-crafty people. But they don't envy my withdrawals. They don't envy how much of my money goes towards these addictions, and they don't envy how much space it takes up in my house.

I need ribbons, papers, scissors, punches, ink pads, markers, stickers, embellishments, eyelets and brads in every size, shape, and color imaginable. I need stamps. LOTS and LOTS of stamps. I need glitter and beads. Lots of beads. I need sizzix dies. I need paints and stencils and brushes and pastels and watercolors. I need spray glitter and glue glitter and ultrafine glitter. I need glue guns with glue sticks and a glue dipping pot. I need raffia and grapevines and flowers. I need reeds and seagrass and basketweaving tools and all kinds of basket patterns. I need yarn and crochet needles, and baskets to keep my many projects. I need my sewing machine and fabric and elastic and zippers and thread and bobbins and seam rippers. I need paintable frames and plain wooden letters and terra cotta flower pots. I need things that need to be decorated. I need craft magazines coming to the house each month and I need to go to scrapbook and card classes and I need to go to the scrapbook expo in Chicagoland each year. I need to belong to a stamping/scrapbooking club in which I order more of these things each month and I need to get catalogs from places like Oriental Trading Company, Paper Wishes, and Art Gone Wild. I need to TIVO the scrapbooking show on DIY network. And I need to spend 9 hours watching QVC's Scrapbook Fair on the weekend to see what Lisa Bearnson has for me and how soon she can ship it to my home. Nothing makes me happier than a wave of colorful things, organized by their color families. Ribbons, papers, eyelets... paints, yarn, thread. A rainbow of color. All for me.

What's worse? It doesn't stop there. I love to read. I must have every book I see. I collect them. I finish reading them and I can't stand letting go of them. I always think "a nice person would donate all of these to a library" but I CAN NOT let them go. I stamp my name inside and I place them just so on my shelves. Smalles to largest, alphabetical by author, categorized by type. I like to walk by and run my fingers over their spines. I get a thrill that travels down my spine. I want to see them and see them. I want their pages, crisp and new or worn and soft. Even musty smelling ones with cracked spines. I must have them all.

I love to cook. I have two sets of cookware. We literally have a hanging pot rack that we store it all on. I have 15 rubber scrapers (spatulas) right now. They are all only 3 years old or newer. I own 6 whisks. 15 measuring spoons. 2 food choppers. Nylon tools and bamboo spoons that would make your eyes pop out. Egg slicers, cherry pitters, cooks corers, zesters, v shaped cutters, knives in sharpening cases, can strainers, pizza cutters, ice cream scoops, cheese knives, and melon ballers. I have so much stoneware I own every piece in the Pampered Chef catalogs, in almost every color they have made in the last 5 years, and duplicates of about half the pieces. I hace microcookers and rice cookers. I have two mixers. My brand New Kitchen Aid (shiny black with Chrome) and an antique 1949 Hamilton Beach Model G with a peachy custom paint job and 5 glass bowls that I bought on ebay to match it. I have a foreman grill and a Mickey Mouse wafflemaker, and a Mickey Mouse Cookie Jar and a Mickey Mouse Toaster that burns mickey's head into the toast and plays "it's a small world after all." Being an ass kicking Pampered Chef consultant gained me 6 aprons. And a full kitchen of top of the line kitchen tools. I sold $35 THOUSAND dollars of kitchen tools to other wives for 3 years. I recruited three other women. I kicked ass. I love to make bread. You know the sweet bread that you get at the good italian restraunts... the gondola bread? That's my specialty. 5 or 6 loaves and eleven cups of flour later. You will find me in my kitchen punching down the dough and enjoying every bit of it. It makes me happy.

I love to decorate. I love to pick paint and furniture and accents. Rugs and tile and towels. I know cottage style and craftsman style and modern looks. I love decorating magazines. I love to Organize. If you saw it in Martha Stewart, I have too. I am addicted to labeling. I have a labelmaker and I like containers with labels, shelves with labels. I love rubbermaid. There was a time when My attic was more organized than most people's living rooms. When I had a summer off I spent my days cleaning, cooking and organizing. I cleaned the attic and the basement and made $600 on one yard sale. If I could quit my job tomorrow and spend my days at home organizing, and cooking and decorating.... I would be happy. I would be crafty and I would be complete. I can not begin to tell you the thrill and charge I get from an organized closet. I will walk by it and open the door just so I can look inside. Right now mine are all disasters, and it drives me cRaZy!

I love to accessorize. I need hair clips and scarves and earrings, bracelets, necklaces. I need makeup with eye shadow in every shade (even though I wear boring brown just about every day.) I have eyeliner in 5 colors (same thing with the brown every day.) I have mascara with sparkles and toe rings and close to 70 pair of shoes. I have five pairs of slippers. I have pajamas and two dresser drawers of socks. Just about all of them are dirty right now. I have hundreds of dollars of Victoria's Secret Underwear and Bras. I have pantyhose and thigh highs and teddy's. I have perfume and shampoo and body wash. Lotions and Potions to boggle your mind and all your senses. Lotions that taste good, smell good, sparkle, glow, and soften the skin. I have so many things that I can't possibly begin to name them all.

I have so many things that I have worked so hard for.

I have a monkey on my back. And I can't get rid of it. I may be going to hell, but I am not sure I could live without the collecting, OCD monkey. And since I can't have just one of anything, you can bet there are like 5 monkey's on my back.

If you're going to do it, do it big. My motto is "never half-ass anything."
Just bury me with my monkeys.

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Michelle said...

Wow, we are so alike, it's kinda scary! Even down to the Pampered Chef!

[m]att™ said...

Would you like monkeys on your tombstone too ? that would be neat.

Larry said...

I am impressed that you can do all these things. the difference between men and woman sometimes is staggering.

dazed said...

Thanks Larry!

Are you a crafty one too Michelle?

Matt, you are too clever. Maybe those flying monkeys from Wicked will be my pallbearers.

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