Just Settled Down for a Long Playboy Recap

Well it's too damn bad that I have to go to work two hours early tomorrow, and it's too damn bad that I have to spend the entire afternoon in a "class."

It's also too damn bad that I have spent my entire day in a satin pinstriped pajama top (think menswear but black with pink pinstripes and piping) and my underwear. Oh, I did take a bath, but I put the PJ top right back on, after about two hours of watching lifetime TV movies on the couch with wet hair, naked and wrapped in a blanket. Yep. Highly exciting. I am SOOOOO motivated.

So Saturday I started out the day by attending a cardmaking class that started at 9am, then came home and burnt the ditch (wildflowers) and then burnt all the leaves that we raked out of the flowerbeds. Then I took a shower, and then I went to Princeton with my parents. Last night I crawled into bed and watched "conviction" and at 11pm started reading Nicholas Sparks' "True Believer" (my books came Friday! Yeah!) and I had read the whole thing start to finish in 4 hours... which put my exhausted and falling asleep at 3am.

I got up around 11:30 today, then lay back down for a while. This morning I ate oatmeal (the real kind (south beach) not the instant or even the "quick Oats" kind- and two eggs over easy. Since that was technically lunchtime, the next time I ate was for supper, I had baked garlic and herb white fish with green beans and some whole wheat elbow noodles with garlic laughing cow cheese on them. Fab. And I topped it off with a sugar free fudgecicle. All I wanted was take out pizza. But I held out.

I have done two loads of laundry, loaded the dishwasher and ran it, and made two pages in my altered journal. I really need to balance the checkbook (eewww) but instead i think I will settle into bed with the newest issue of Playboy in a search for real breasts, and using my graphic designer eye to see if I can find all the airbrushes (mostly covering up those nasty scars on the fake ones.) Oh and to read the article on WWE's Candice Michelle, April's covergirl and figure out which nationality gives her such shimmery caramel skin (eyes are green with envy!)- or is that just the perfect lighting, gold body shimmer lotion, and airbrushing? Ah yes. Come to find out, she is a perfect mixture of Costa Rican, German, and sparkly body lotion. And to think she came straight out of Wisconsin.

I guess if I want a hot body, I should take up wresling. Turns out that wrestling in a lace up bustier, garter belt with thigh highs, and tall leather booths with 3 inch heels does a body good. I actually was a fan of wrestling before the NWO and WCW went defunct, but I have never been much of a fan of women in the ring. I truly believe that women can kick ass, but I also believe that most of the time they are too smart for that. They have better ways to handle problems. But I guess that in WWE there really aren't any REAL problems to solve, and it's a "sport" - so whatever. Why if you had a body like Candice's, would you be rolling around in a wrestling ring? (I am totally hot, please break my nose or my jawbone!) Certainly there are other athletic ways to get men around the world to notice you?

Miss April sure does have some cute ladybug galoshes. I could dig those. I think I had better get a pair. It is just about the rainy season. And I have seen some cute ones that are Burberry Plaid. But husband and I were just discussing that we (personally) do not know anyone named Holly who is not a whore. We can think of at least three that we know in "real life" and then we started to figure out that there were many "Holly" playmates. Sorry to be so frank, but you know me, that's what I am here for. I apologize if you have already named your daughter Holly!

And today I started to think about what it must be like to be Hugh Hefner's sons, Cooper and Marston. Hey, dad's got a zillion bunnies and three girlfriends running around the mansion. Can you imagine introducing yourself with the Hefner last name? I think about what girls in high school are going to run to date Hugh Hefner's sons. And I think about their birthday parties in the grotto. And their mom. And how much they LOOK like him is freaky. I honestly say that if my dad's girlfriends were Holly (see there it is! Although Holly is the one girlfriend that I have the most respect for, maybe because she is classy and 26 years old.) and Bridget, I would learn to deal... But Kendra is very spoiled and childish (she's 20 and it shows!), and she really annoys me and I would have to kick her ass. I guess I just personally have more respect for the playmates who show some class. I know that there is only going to be a thin veneer of class on most playmate asses, but I do feel that Hef's girlfriends should have style, tact, and class. Especially with all the public appearances they make, and how they are representing a company, albeit one with loose morals, And Kendra is seriously lacking. Instead of oozing sex appeal, or like Holly, just being super sweet and good nautred, the second she opens her mouth I want to bitch slap her. Someone needs to tell her to grow up, and get a life. If I were Hef I would so kick her to the curb. I really don't know how Holly and Bridget put up with her as their "third wheel" all the time.

After I wrote this, I found this little "movie" you can watch about what it is like to be Hef's Girlfriend. It's interesting, so if you don't know what I am talking about (or even better, if you DO!) you should check it out. And hey, why not show your wife that you care and buy her a dozen roses with Holly's picture on them? Mwaaaaahhhhahaha!

So enough about this month's issue. I have to go read the article on Faith and Reason and see if this month's playboy can stimulate a person in more ways than one.

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• Playboy
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