5 years ago today....

Evan and I were married in Vancouver, British Columbia- yes CANADA! :)

We got married in Stanley Park, just below Ferguson Point, between second and third beaches. The only "guests" were our photographers and official witnesses, Chris and Lynn Jaksa, and our wedding officiant, Karen Ell. The ceremony was perfect, the weather was gorgeous, and the tide came in while we were all occupied with more important things. It's a day I will never forget, and I can't believe that it was 5 years ago, and that we have been together 14 years this October. We were just saying tonight how shocked we are that Ardyn is almost 3 and it won't be too much longer till Marek is a solid two-year-old!

You can view all the wedding, honeymoon, bridal shower, and reception pictures here ;)

AWOL

Sorry I have been a bit AWOL. It's become apparent that my daughter doesn't always teethe gracefully. She started with a low grade fever early Tuesday morning, and has progressed to the 101.3 level several times in the past three days. Tuesday afternoon I got called at work and had to go get her from daycare. Because I am so worried when she has the 101 fever, and feels like she is burning up, I can't even imagine her with 103 fever. Or even worse, something higher. Poor Beeb. Tylenol and Ibuprofen will bring the fever down and improve her spirits some, but it doesn't take away the teething pain, and therefore the Dr. doesn't want me to give it to her. Instead we are supposed to do lukewarm baths, but that's not possible while at daycare, nor is it especially feasible in the middle of the night when you have to work the next day. Ugh. Sunday night and last night were the worse. Yesterday she did get her 6 month shots, and around midnight woke up with a fever again. I did give her a dose of Motrin because of the shots and the teething combo, and she slept for a bit, but at 3am was up again until about 5am when she finally screamed herself into exhaustion. Not much I could do to soothe her, I would get her settled and cozy on my chest or my lap, and she would scream herself awake again in about 10 minutes. Poor Beeb. This morning I can feel that one bottom tooth is up further than it was before, but still under the gums. As much as I would like to avoid teeth for their nipple biting tendencies, I don't want to go through this constantly for the next two years, so I hope that this one just surfaces soon and we can have a break.

So mostly I have just been struggling to stay sane and stop from being exhausted. Carrie and Cara stopped over yesterday for a little visit, and it was so good to see them both. More Diapers arrived today... and my first wool and the wool wash and lanolin.

What frustrates me the most about having a child who is sick or not feeling well, is the varied responses that I get from my husband. He is such a good dad. And he really tries to help, but when the going get especially tough, he is still able to fall asleep while I am up with a screaming child, and then when I am up first thing in the morning and getting ready to go to work almost as if last night didn't happen, he is moaning and groaning and lying in bed or sleeping when I am walking out the door to work. This morning I said "What's wrong with this picture?" Argh. This is another reason that I am tired of working. I have to be the responsible party, and I am the one who calls off work and stays home with a sick child (which is fine) but I still have to be the one who gets up and goes off to work each day and loads up everything for daycare, and pumps breastmilk, and washes diapers. All things that are especially pleasant because I am doing them for my child, but especially unpleasant when faced with the added stress of a workweek and traveling and packing and unpacking, and not being able to spend that quality relaxed time with your child or in your home. I feel like my new life motto is "Something's gotta give" and no one but me can see it. I need a t-shirt and I will wear it everyday. Something's gotta give. I can't be expected to live my life this way AND enjoy myself, right? Whose idea was this, that women be the primary caregivers, the responsible ones, AND work? Honestly, I am feeling more and more every day like that was just a totally retarded idea.

Whirlwind Woman

This morning I was like a freakin' whirlwind. Evan had been up until 4:30am, working on reports for work, and I woke up AT 4am when the Beeb decided that it was daytime playtime. I heard her in her room, in the dark, giggling and squealing, laughing, kicking her feet... just having an all over wonderful time. I got her up, fed her, changed her diaper, fed her some more, and she went to sleep with me in the glider in the nursery. I knew that I needed to go back to sleep, but I was feeling pretty awake then, I had about 4.5 hours of sleep already, and her little body was all curled up on me and she was so sweet and so cuddly... I just didn't want to put her down. I really wanted to just take her into bed with me, but I knew that I needed to put her back in the crib and foster her independence. Then Evan and I peeked at the mail, which he had just gotten, he had assembled the breast pump pieces from the sterilizer, and we went to bed. At about 4:45am the Beeb decided that she wanted to still be awake, and putting her pacifier in and patting her butt wouldn't do the trick, so Evan brought her into bed with us, and she lay all curled up between us, facing me and holding my hand. If I hold her hand, she will go to sleep so soundly, and stroke my knuckles with her fingers. So we both fell asleep holding hands, and this morning at 7:30 when the alarm went off, she barely even stirred. Instead of waking her with me as usual, I decided to let her and Evan sleep and I got myself ready. Around 8:30 she woke up on her own, and I fed her, changed her, dressed her, and then went out to start the vehicle and pack everything up.

I finished cocoa cones last night and had about 15 left to deliver, so I packed those all up in the candy cane basket that I wove back in December of 2001 (see photo above!) I got the breast pump, cooler of bottles, my purse, the diaper bag, the cocoa cones, and my grocery and to-do lists all in the vehicle and then Evan helped me load Ardyn up and we were on our merry way. After dropping her at school, I decided to grab groceries before work... we needed toilet paper and toothpaste, bread and milk... and I had to get 5 more Christmas Cards because people who thought we were unworthy of cards as young adults seem to think that now that we have a child, we are worthy. So that increases my Christmas Card list from 52 to 57. That is even without sending cards to all those people who I sent them to in previous years and who ignored me, until about 5 years into it, I decided to stop sending, and now that we have the Beeb, they have suddenly started sending one. Uh. No. Sorry. Not happening. YOU are officially OFF the list!

Of course when I got my entire cart FULL of groceries, and got to the checkout, the debit card wouldn't work. We deposited the paycheck yesterday but apparently it hasn't fully posted yet, to the debit card. So of course here I stand in line, with three people behind me, a cart loaded with groceries, and no way to pay for them. Ugh. So they suspended the transaction and I will have to go back later tonight and get them. Oh Yay! At least we will have toilet paper and bread.

After work tonight the plan is to go to the video store and rent some movies, make a nice hot supper, and then all three of us cuddle up in bed and watch movies as a family. I am so super excited about that, it was Evan's brilliant idea, and I know it sounds insanely boring to some people, especially those without babies, but cuddling with her and making her laugh, squeal, and giggle, is our favorite pastime. Last night she was really talking up a storm with me, squealing and giggling and being so cute and funny. She is practically perfect in every way.

We are both really looking forward to Christmas with her. This Saturday the 22nd is the "anniversary" of our Big Fat Positive Pregnancy Test. It was 12 days past ovulation and I can remember it like it was yesterday. It's a moment that we waited 17 months to have, and It will never leave my mind, the way I felt that day. To imagine that we now have the most perfect and wonderful daughter... it brings tears to your eyes... any mom knows that feeling. Most dads too!

Last night I worked on daycare paperwork, although I know it's quite OCD, I am saving every single paper that they send home with her. Each day I get a report of what she ate and when, when her diapers were changed, etc. etc. And I can't possibly part with one of them. I am sure that will go away someday, but for now I have them organized by date in a accordion file. They even say who picked her up that night (dad or mom) and when I took in new diapers or wipes for the stash. It's crazy. I do also keep a photocopy of each statement and check that I write for daycare, so that I have proof for tax purposes. I need to get myself a sheet feeding scanner so that I can nix all this paper and go electronic with all my receipts. Mwaaahahaha! I also marked all my received Christmas Cards in my book last night. I keep a detailed list of who I sent/received cards from each year. It's in the same book that I store all my birthday/anniversary information, and It's like the bible. Okay, maybe it's more factual than the bible (Oh... Harsh!)

Parents magazine somehow goofed my subscription a bit, I started to receive two issues at a time about three months ago. I had shopped somewhere online where I received a free subscription with a big purchase, and I was already a subscriber, so I thought it would just extend my subscription... but instead I started getting duplicate issues. Being the owner of a mommy brain, I would read the first one, then the second issue (the exact same) would come, and I would sit down to read it and be like "Wow this seems so familiar..." and then I finally figured it out! So I called and they straightened it out, which means that I am all paid up until May of 2012! Whoa! That seems so far from now, but in reality... it's almost 2008 Folks! Holy crap! Do you remember partying like it was 1999? Where is the time going? Sometimes when I think about it I get all upset. This IS the best time of my life so far, and even though I am not quite 30 yet, I often think about being old and dying and leaving my daughter and my husband and my family, and it freaks me out bad. So I really have to steer clear of that mental image and live in the here and now.

On My iPod-
Now Playing: Song For a Winter's Night
Album: Sarah McLachlan's Wintersong

Down with the Sickness

I should be in bed. I should be in bed.

1am. Told you.

In all fairness, I spent from 8:50 till 9:30 getting Ardyn ready for bed, nursing her to sleep, and putting her in bed. And then I spent 9:30 till 11:45.... putting her to bed. Again. And Again. And Again. Shushing. Nursing. Popping the pacifier back in her mouth. Rocking. Jiggling. Bouncing. Walking. Talking quietly and reassuringly.

Then I drank a cup of tea and finally finished the magazine that I started to flip through at 1:00 this afternoon. And I didn't read anything. Just flipped through it.

Then I went through a bag of clothes that I had bought at a garage sale a while back, all size 3 months to 2T... took off the tags (which they STAPLED to the clothes thanks) and placing them in the hamper along with the tote full of 3-6 months clothes that I went through today that a friend sent me.

I also scrubbed out the car seat and soaked a sleeper that had more poop in it than the diaper did. When grabbing some food at a restaurant this evening, Ardyn had a major blowout in her carseat, leaked out the diaper, through the sleeper, and all over everything, clear down to her little toes. That was a fun cleanup. Wipes head to toe in the bathroom that HAS no changing station. Yep.

Then I went down and did a few loads of laundry, and was down there so long that I literally got three loads done... because I was CLEANING the laundry room that is horribly terrible. I hate the laundry room. No one that lives here ever puts clothes away. Ever. It's a nightmare. We live out of the laundry room. Except Ardyn. I am too particular about her stuff.

Then I refilled my pill case. Then I sterilized breast pump parts, bottles, and pacifiers in the micro-steamer. Then I called my husband, who is so so so so sick that when he went to McDonalds at 11:30pm he never came home. But he is so so so sick that he complains every 4 seconds. And the cold that he has- Ardyn and I had first. And I was operating for a week with the same cold and in addition a sore throat, with an average of 2-4 hours of sleep a night for that entire week, and also taking care of a sick baby who couldn't breathe. And suctioning her nose out while she screamed every single hour during every single night. And that. Sucked. And no one else cared. And he is so so so sick. So sick that he told me he would just have to lay around tonight and be on the couch. And now he's missing. That's how sick he is. Very sick. I feel bad for him. Really bad. So bad that I might wait by the door with a frying pan to put him out of his misery.

The husband and I got flu shots today too. I was a big girl. I got a candy bar from the plastic pumpkin when I was done. I stood still. I didn't cry. It didn't even hurt. I have never had a flu shot in my entire life. I work in healthcare and they offer them free to us each year as employees because we are around sickness and disease and INFLUENZA! I never get one. And this year, even though I hate needles, I got one. For my daughterThe things you do for your kids. Now I know all abut what my mom always told me. But the shot was nothing. Because once you work in a hospital and have blood drawn on a regular basis and then go through labor and childbirth and an epidural and 6 tries to get an IV into your veins and a tear in your undercarriage followed by a postpartum hemorrhoid.... a little flu shot seems awfully petty and small.

Well, if my arms wouldn't just get tired from holding that frying pan over my head in anticipation, I might just stay up even longer. But I am all out of electricity and it's time for this mom to recharge. But by the time I get the dangerously broken out face washed and toned and moisturized with the proactiv trial kit and put some chapstick on and a sleeping bra... I assume that it will be 2am. Another thing I figure. I might not ever sleep without a bra again. As long as I live. When I was little my grandma told me that if I wanted to keep perky breasts I would have to wear a bra every night. I was like "Uh. no." but now it's all about keeping the leaking at bay. Which I almost never leak. But the night I don't wear a bra and breast pads to bed is the night I will wake up swimming in warm milk. And that's just wasteful. By the time I get done nursing babe #1, I am sure to be well on my way to babe #2... and so on, and so forth. Evan says five kids. I say "great. where do we put them and who pays for daycare? And who takes care of them when I go crazy?" He says they are stackable.

Men are so SELFISH!

Today is the day before Thanksgiving. I took the day off to prepare for hosting Thanksgiving Dinner, as we have done for 5 of the 6 years we have lived here. I had lots of things to do today, one of them being to get all of the food dishes that I need to make ready ahead of time. I also planned on rearranging the dining room, setting the table, getting the dishes and serving pieces out and ready, thawing a turkey and ham, doing laundry, getting the washing machine fixed by a sears repairman, and hopefully showering. I also had a doctor's appointment to make. This was my agenda.

About a month ago, I started to discuss with husband the importance of burning our wildflower/grass plot in the ditch. I have been increasingly hinting that it is time to burn it, thinking that while I am at work all day, and he has some time, he could be raking leaves and burning. Nothing happened. Last week I said "I think that when I am off work on Wednesday, you should burn the ditch" which turned out in his head as "WE" will burn the ditch. Okay, whatever. I will work it in. So when I woke up at 10am, and he said he wasn't going to get up until noon... Okay. So I start my day by unloading the dishwasher and putting away dishes, organizing and preparing the kitchen, finding ingredients, and then putting some dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Then I get dressed. Then I let the dogs outside. And I drag a cooler in the house and fill it with water and start to dethaw the turkey. And I fold the blankets that he left all screwed up in the spare bedroom, and picked up his dirty clothes from the floor. At 12:30 he still wasn't up. I woke him up. At 1pm, as I was outside BY MYSELF raking leaves... I knock on the bedroom window with the rake and tell him to please get up.

At 1:30 I have raked half of the yard. Yes. 50% of the leaves. Into the ditch. BY MYSELF. Then the Sears repairman comes. I spend about 30-45 minutes with him and he repairs the wash machine and shows and explains everything to me. Then FOR FREE he looks at the dishwasher, shows me what part I need, explains how to order it and shows me where to install the new part. This guy was awesome. Sears wants to charge you TWO $65 service fees to look at two different appliances. Huh. Nice guy! Then It's like 2:15 and I haven't eaten and I am starving. Not to mention that I have terrible cramps and had a prescription Naproxen floating around in my empty tummy.

I go outside to tell Evan about the sears guy and he GROWLS "if you want to do something productive, you can go put my check in the bank." (now the poor baby is raking 50% of the leaves all by his lonesome. awwww.) So HE is pissed at ME because he has to do this alone while the Sears guy is there. So I drop everything and go to the bank. Then I make lunch. Halfway through stir-fry, Iwalk outside to see if he wants to come in and eat soon but he has already lit the ditch. He yells at me because I am not helping him. I call him a dick and go inside to finish our lunch. I eat lunch. He's standing out there watching the ditch burn, randomly spraying the green grass with the garden hose to "contain" the fire. *cough*

I am not sure if he just needs me to stand there next to him or what his deal is. So I stand there and watch. He doesn't speak to me. I ask him if he is going to burn the other side of the ditch. He growls "no. we don't have enough help." and that is clearly meant to be a dig on me not groveling at his feet anf being at his beck and call as he burns. So I go inside and put his food in the oven to keep it warm. Then I check the turkey. Then I clean up the lunch dishes. I wash three loads of laundry. I fold sheets and blankets, quilts and comforters. I strip the bed and put on new sheets and blankets. I carry down a hamper of laundry. I rearrange the dining room by myself, moving the dining table. I carry up the buffet table from the basement (alone) and set it up. I put chairs around it. I move all the dishes, silverware, and serving dishes into the dining room. I take his un-eaten lunch out of the oven at 5pm and put it in containers in the fridge. I get out napkins and napkin rings. I get the cream cheese and butter out of the fridge to soften. And then, I sit down for a second.

He comes out of the shower and looks at me (sitting. can you believe she has the nerve to SIT while I burn the ditch??) and says he is going to Princeton. Do I need anything? No. Then he proceeds to ask me if I have seen his wallet. Have I seen his shoes? Then "what are we doing tonight?" and when I say "I still have to make all the food for tomorrow. That is the REASON that I took the day off work today." and he looks at me and says "I thought that's why you were in here instead of helping me. And besides, when you raked the leaves, you Did it all wrong. And if you would have helped me, I could have got the raking done in half the time." and all I said to him? "forgive me for 'doing it wrong.' I thought that by raking 50% of the leaves in the yard I was being helpful. If you had gotten up at 11 or 12 instead of 2pm, it also would have gotten done faster. Next year you can do it by yourself." And he got cranky, stood up, proceeded to slam every door, drawer, etc. and stomp out of the house.

Wow it's a good thing he's around to tell me how to be productive, isn't it? Otherwise I might enjoy myself on my day off, and wouldn't that be a shame? SO now that he is gone and taken his crankiness with him, and I have vented it off on my blog, I am going to go prepare pumpkin cheesecake bars and stuffed olive cheese secrets and continue with laundry and feed the dogs.