Have I lost it?

I was talking to a friend today, and I started to think about some things. Mostly things that are different in my relationship with my husband now that we have been together for 9.5 years versus things that happened when we were younger and dating and mostly before we moved in together, or before I gained weight.

I love my husband. I would not trade him for the world and I wouldn't trade our relationship for the world. But as husbands can do, they forget the things that make wives feel good about themselves. I tried to think back to the last time my husband made a comment about me looking "nice" or even "good" or hot, or sexy, or any term representing the fact that I had put some effort into my outfit or hygeine, to which I put great effort on a daily basis. (besides saying you look fine get your ass out of the bathroom so we can get going)

I honestly could not remember a time within the last 4 years. I don't even remember him saying anything to me on our wedding day about how I looked. I remember him saying my flowers were pretty, and that he loved me of course, and other things about the day that made me know how much it meant to him... but never remember anything being said about me. Just me. And how I looked. That I was beautiful, or even pretty, or even cute. I could be wrong. I am sure he would say that he said I looked great, but I can't remember it.

But I do remember that about 4 years ago we went out for Valentine's Day and I wore a little black dress and pantyhose and black dress shoes with really high heels, and jewelry and he said that I looked "hot" and I could tell that the entire time we are he was interested in me. That's the last time I can remember feeling that way. Feeling that I was desireable looking. 4 years. And that makes me sad.

Don't get me wrong, he tells me that he loves me, he kisses me, he rubs my back, he cuddles with me on the couch, it's all fine. But it is just a bit unnerving that I am not "hot" anymore. And we don't even have kids yet. I'm not even 30! It makes me sad. I am very glad to be married. I am happy. But sometimes I think back to what it used to be like, and it makes me sad.

I know that all wives must feel that way. But when talking to a friend who tells his wife that she looks great, and that she is hot.... I feel sad. And Jealous. And fat. And Ugly. But happy for her and proud of him.

Damn it.

Rebel Rebel, you've torn your dress
Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess
Rebel Rebel, how could they know?
Hot tramp, I love you so!

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