Tuesday, February 28, 2006


Last night I came unhinged. At my husband. And I don't just mean a little unhinged. I mean a whole lot unhinged in a very unattractive an inappropriate way. I can only recall this happening once previously in 10 whole years of our relationship.

I am upset about it. And I am ashamed about it. Yet at the same time, I am strangely peaceful and relieved.

I have discovered that I am the type of person who will just trudge on. I will go about my daily life and I will push down the anger and frustration and I will just ignore it. I will be cheerful or sarcastic and I will throw myself into other things. I will work on excelling in other areas and just try to forget about the things that are not making me happy. I guess I am the kind of person who can pretty much get through anything, often without anyone even knowing what is wrong. Sometimes I can even fool myself... And then I come unhinged.

It just happens. I don't intend for it to happen. It isn't pre-meditated, There is no thought or plotting behind the whole thing. In fact I don't usually know I am going to come unhinged until like the split second after it happens and I realize "oh shit" and by then it's already happening and I am too proud to stop then. Or the emotions are so strong that It's like I can't stop it.

Sometimes I can feel like I could cross a line with how upset I am, and I am either able to hold it in and press it back down, or maybe I will get so so angry that I cry, and then I feel a small release of pressure. It's like steam from a volcano. Just a release that is enough for everything to settle down again.

I didn't sleep fabulously, it took me over an hour to sleep, and then I was awake twice in the night for about an hour each. At one time I woke up and caught a glimpse of my pillowcase and thought there were quarter-sized spots of blood on it. I couldn't figure out where I was bleeding. I didn't feel like I was bleeding. I looked at the other pillowcase and there were spots there too. What the hell? Then I realized I had different sheets and they had purple flowers on them, and my other sheets are all solid. But for some reason when I woke up I thought the flowers were spots of blood. I remember having the thought, I was so angry that now I am being punished. I am bleeding out my ear or out of my eye, or I have a nose bleed. Isn't that bizarre?

So this morning I had two thoughts. First, I thought of the movie "Anger Management" and then I questioned whether or not I could possibly be the type of person who is perfectly normal and likeable and then someday I go postal.

But I felt so relieved this morning, but guilty because I know that I don't deserve to feel relieved. That I should be so full of remorse that I feel nothing but upset. And then I weighed myself, and I was SHOCKED to see that I have lost 8 pounds in the last 4 days. No wonder I feel lighter. And then I thought that it was bizarre, that even with South Beach I could lose that much that fast, and I started to think that the lightweight feeling could have had something to do with some demons that unleashed during my unhinging. And some bottled up anger and frustration.

Thoughts? Anyone else come unhinged? how do you get past it, and how do you prevent it from happening again? How do you apologize for doing something completely unacceptable even though you were provoked? My thoughts and feelings weren't wrong, but my actions were. And I feel like If I apologize for my actions, I am downplaying how upset I was and essentially telling him that I was wrong to be upset. But in fact I wasn't wrong for being upset, but I was wrong for letting it out in the fashion that I did.

Help? Advice? Wifes and Moms and girlfriends?


C-8 said...

I will admit to having my moments without hinges (too often) and, like you, my anger is usually justified, but the way my anger comes out of me (not unlike that alien in "Alien" is usually not justified. I usually go back and apologize for my actions, but again try to explain why I am (always) right... sometimes it works, sometimes, not so much. Good luck

Michelle said...

My mom has become unhinged at me a few times which makes me terribly upset and she always calls me the next day to apologize for going psycho on me but to also re-iterate (sp?) why she was so frustrated but in a nicer tone that is easier to understand on my part. Make any sense? I hope you are able to clear things up and congrats on your weight loss!

PCinAZ said...

I am not a psychologist but perhaps the reason for the explosive nature of the outburst is the internalization of feelings instead of dealing with them as they come up. For example, husband leaves socks and underwear on the floor daily and wife constantly picks up socks and underwear to put in the hamper. This goes on for a long, long time and then one day the husband says "you spend too much on candles" (even though wife is the MAJOR breadwinner in the house, pays all of the bills, etc) so wife goes NUTS and lets loose with both barrels about that, as well as everything else, in a wild way, all because she didn't confront husband about the socks and underwear problem. Uh, of course that is all hypothetical you know. Good luck. It is healthy to release that emotion though, especially if you do tend to internalize it for long, long periods of time.

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