When Are YOU two going to have Kids?!

I have a real issue lately with tactless people. My mom always raised us to be tactful. Open and honest but tactful. Some of you may laugh, because I don't always keep my opinions to myself (okay, almost never) but I hate people who are all up in your business.

Firstly, since the day we became engaged, all we heard were choruses of "it's about time!" which I can say that in some ways, I was completely hearing them, 9 years is a long time, but we are also young, and our 9 years started when I was 17 and Evan was 16.... so were we supposed to get married at 18 and 19? But the constant "it's about time" got pretty old. But then we got married, and it was all over with. For about 10 seconds.

Now it is always "when are you having kids." Now normally, I wouldn't mind that question. I don't mind it from most people. Especially people who I consider friends. But there are some casual acquaintances who really don't have any business asking about when I plan to become impregnated by my husband. But what bugs me the most are the people who ask you that every time you see them. Like once a week or once a month. Where are your fucking memories, people? Do you NOT remember that you asked me that last week? DO you think that my answer has changed? I figure that my answer to them obviously wasn't memorable enough, so I had better just start using a sharper tongue. They appear to be amazingly effective, and usually leave the questioner quite speechless.... So please, feel free to read them until the answer you were seeking has been found.

Question: When are you and your husband going to have kids?

New Answer: Would you like a Conception date or a delivery date?

New Answer: When he gets some balls (let them ponder the double meanings of that one)

New Answer (suburbia style): When the war is over in Iraq. I really don't feel comfortable delivering a child when there is a war on terror happening. I really would prefer to wait until we have found a way to recycle all our man made materials so my baby won't have to swim waist deep in this land fill we call earth. And now that you mention it, I really am not sure that all of the hormones I have been ingesting in the eggs and milk haven't totally messed with my ovaries. Really (comtinue until they wish they had never opened their fat mouths....)

New Answer: Well, I have a lot of debt, and I would really like to have my car paid off, so I can give you the phone number of my banker and my credit counselor, and you can contact them to see when my wallet might be ready for the financial responsibility of a child. How does that sound?

New Answer: You'll be the first to know (delivered with the biggest "i'm so full of shit" smile that the person doesn't know whether to take me seriously or realize I am feeding them a line)

New Answer (twist on the previous answer): You know, I am glad you mentioned that, because I have been meaning to get your opinion on the subject. (especially effective with someone you see once a year)

New Answer: Well, we tried twice last night, and three times this morning, and once over lunch, but I really won't know for a few weeks if it took. Why don't you give me your cell phone number and I will call you when I take the test, then we can wait the 3 minutes out together!

New Answer: I can't have kids (followed by shoulder racking sobs and high pitched squeals of pain) {Note, too mean to actually use, so I won't, but it's the thought that counts.}

So anyway. People can piss me off. I feel like wearing a shirt, that is like an at home pregnancy test, that has like a +/- sign on it in pink, with a BIG red NO Symbol over the + sign. My biggest thing, is like HELLO! We live in the SMALLEST communities. If someone is pregnant, the word spreads like WILDFIRE to the surrounding 7 states and in a matter of 3 days, people you don't even KNOW are telling you congratulations. SO. If I am pregnant, AND I decide to tell everyone, you will probably know before my mom does, so if that doesn't make you happy, I don't know what else to tell you.

Instead of being happy knowing when I am like 3 months pregnant, like the rest of the world will be, you feel you need to know that I am having sex with intent, well I just have to tell you to readjust your outlook on what is your business and what is my business, and take a step back, because If you don't, I might come up swinging.

Whew. I feel better now. Please realize that this post is not directed at fellow bloggers and online friends, but people that I see in EVERYfreakingDAY life that ask me this question so often that I feel like a broken record with dried up eggs that everyone can see.

We will have kids (and tell you) when we are damn good and ready! Oh and did I mention, You'll be the FIRST to know!