Monday, July 24, 2006

Killer Vegetation

Things I have been avoiding:
Balancing the Checkbooks
Paying Bills (I have to balance the checkbooks first)
Packing Away My Sweaters (I know)
Unloading the Dishwasher

Just so you know, right now our house looks abandoned. We have this issue with mulberry trees. You see, they like to pop up wherever. I hate the damn things. There have been three of them at our house since we moved in 6 years ago, and they are in awkward areas where you can't get rid of them, so you just keep cutting them back instead, and they just keep branching out and growing more. One is woven inside an old spirea. We can't get it out. The spirea is overdue for it's annual trimming (along with all the others) and the Mulberry is now as tall as the house (okay ALMOST) and it's hideous! There's also one in the hydrangea, and one behind a Euonymus, just outside the kitchen window. Now it is tall enough to look in the kitchen window, and it freaks me out because whenever I walk into the kitchen naked I catch a glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye, and it looks like someone standing there and I freak out and jump about 10 feet into the air (instinct.)

Oh and then there's the weeds. In the driveway, they are about 3 feet tall. Everywhere. No lie. We could MOW The driveway. And we probably will. We have been weed-eating it. We desperately need more white rock. I have tried spraying, it does NOTHING. They are worse now then they were BEFORE I sprayed the Ortho Season Long. So don't even mess with that crap. Ortho Season Long Weed and Grass Killer, you suck major ass. Weeds died for about 1.5 weeks and then came back with a vigor that is only seen in tropical rainforests. Yes, it's like Little Shop of Horrors at our house. The weeds in the flower beds.... I have just given up. A long long time ago. There are some flowers under there, and I don't even give a shit. Instead of stopping more weeds, the compost mulch just encourages them and they grow on an average of 8 feet per week. My green thumb has finally turned against me. So you can't even SEE any flowers or the foundation of the house, for all the weeds. Oh and did I mention Corn? Yes, there are like 3, 5-foot corn plants growing up alongside the house. Who cares. It's been too damn hot and for the one weekend that it wasn't (last weekend) I went fishing. Screw You- you Rapid Growing Vegetation!

Did I mention that I bought a man? Weeks ago? And It cost me $50?? And I should be making him do all this work? But I don't know his phone number and he just fell off the face of the earth, and I feel like he might never do the work I paid for, forcing me to give them a $50 donation instead of purchasing 3 hours of man-labor at an auction? Maybe they should do this thing where you don't pay them until the work is done, eh?

So yesterday I told husband that our yard was pushing me over the edge and I would soon be having a heart-attack/nervous breakdown/conniption fit/PMS induced rage. Every time I pull into the driveway, I keep my eyes closed until I find the door, so that I don't have to look at the place and get pissed off. I pretend like I don't live here and I have no reason to be concerned.

Ahhh.... pride.

To make myself feel better, I will pretend that I am Poison Ivy, and that I love all plants, good and evil, and that our house is my evil lair surrounded by all sorts of killer vegetation. Yes, my pretties.... growing just for me. Hmmm.... Maybe I can be Poison Ivy for Halloween this year!

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