New Burn Ordinance In Wyanet

For those of you who know the Neighbor saga, this should be interesting....

This morning, I am upset. Okay, I am pissed. And I am pissed at Major John Gordon in Wyanet, Illinois. Why? Because I see a new burn ordinance has showed up in the post office. Why am I pissed at the major? Because he signed the thing. Should I be pissed at him? Probably not. But can I stop being pissed at him? Uh-No. Will he EVER stop being MAJOR? He's like 900 years old now. I plan on scanning the ordinance in and attaching it to this post.... when I have a moment.

The most pissed off that I am about this whole damn thing?

Item Number 1. The Location of all Burning Barrels Should be placed fifteen feet inside your property lines. Yes, well. In theory, it sounds good. But what the fuck are you supposed to do when A) you really don't know where your property lines are, because no one has ever told you, and your neighbors seem to have their own plants, dogs, and lawnmowers on my property, so I don't even know where the actual line is because they can't respect our property and stay the fuck off it. or how about B) It is wonderful in an ideal world, where you HAVE 15 feet of property between your house and the property lines. But what about if you don't? What about if your property lines are closer to your home and garage than that? What if the only place on your property where you have 15 feet of fucking privacy is in your front yard? Do they want me to put my burn barrel in the front yard? Please. I plan on totally discussing this with my town board members. I would like their opinion on how I should handle this.

Number 2. All Burning should be done between sunrise and sunset. Um. Okay. So in the fall, when it gets dark at 5pm, and I work till 6:30 or 7 pm, I would have to wake up AT SUNRISE and do my burning, and then go get cleaned up for work? Because I can't burn between 5pm and 9pm? Why not? What's the deal with that? And before, I tried to burn around 11:30 or 12pm, because neighbormom is allergic to leaves *cough cough* and she leaves for work around 11:30pm. So I would always burn stuff after she left, because I am all courteous like that. What now?

Number 4. All items allowed to be burned are non-recycleable items, including organic materials grown on the subject property. Could someone please explain this to me? I do not get it. I mean, right now I was under the impression that we could only burn paper and cardboard. But you can recycle paper and cardboard. So it's like, what are they talking about? I can burn anything that can't be recycled but I can't burn paper, cardboard, or newspaper? WTF? Am I totally uneducated when it comes to burning? I don't GET IT? And what's with the fancy words? Did they hire someone from Chicago to come write this thing? THIS IS WYANET. SAY IT IN GOOD PLAIN ENGLISH.

Footnote (Typed in giant letters and underlined {in case we didn't see it}) There shall be no burning of leaves in city streets and alleys. Um. I hate to tell them, but the entire goddamn town rakes their leaves to the little gravely area between the road and their property line, or into the edge of the alley, and burns them. So, why is that bad? Is the road gonna burn? Is it? I don't get that one either. Really. Is that necessary? I usually burn the leaves in my ditch, since we have the wildflower and prairie grass plot and all.... but really... not everyone has a ditch. Sometimes I burn in my driveway, but besides that, I don't know what everyone else will do? Makes no sense. It says yard waste doesn't have to be burned in containers, but it can't be burned along the street either?

So. It pretty much sucks. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Here I am supposed to have my burn barrel 15 feet from neighbormom's property line, but neighbormom's dog can shit in my driveway and her cat can nap on my swing? Doesn't seem quite fair, does it? Can we post a "no roaming animals" Ordinance? And a "Know and Respect Your Property Lines Ordinance?" Please?

This Post (and others like it) Tagged Under:

• IdRatherHaveFlanders
• TheGirlWhoLovedJohnGordon