Thursday, April 13, 2006

I know you do it too.... and if you don't I know you WANT to!

It was a few years ago that I had a big revelation. and then I realized that it would never happen. And Now, I confess.

I am an "unshopper." Admitting the problem is the first step. And I don't mean that I don't like to shop... oh contraire monfraire. I LOVE to shop. Online preferrably but I can be in the Mart for hours. I am an unshopper because if I like it, and can't make up my mind, it is more likely that I will put it in my cart... because I can always DITCH IT LATER! Yes, I am confessing to an evil sin. As I go through the store, I take things OUT of my cart. Either because I have changed my mind, felt guilty, run out of cash, or found something better. Oh Yes. Guys, Have you ever found a sexy lacy 36DD Bra in the condom aisle? Did it's unexpected appearance get you a little cramped for space in the zipper area? Umm... yeah. That was me. Or maybe you just can't buy condoms without getting a hard on. Seen a bag of frozen burritos in the ice cream freeezer? Yeah. That was me too. Tampons in the box with your new steel toed boots? Ha ha. I knew that one would freak you out. Just kidding.

I unshop. On any give shopping trip, it is guaranteed that you would see me reach the register with 1-10 items less than what I put in my cart. Check my purse, they aren't in there. I am not stealing.... I am unshopping. Strategically going down aisles that are empty and sneaking around corners so that I can ditch the goods without having a smocked store employee burn me an angry look when I unload my hardlines in the softlines department and make their shelf-stocking lives miserable. Do I feel guilty? I used to. But that was BEFORE the idea.

You see, wouldn't it be GENIOUS for stores to place a large bin of sorts near the checkouts.... where you could put things that you had changed your mind about? Like with a big sign "changed your mind?" with a giant arrow pointing into it. How kick ass would that be? A guilt free way to unshop!

But NOOOOO they won't do that! Because there are moral, whiny, scaredy cats out there who won't unshop because they fear repercussions, and therefore the marts know that once something gets into their carts, it won't come out. It's an EVIL PLOY! And what does that equal folks?? PROFITS! Cold hard CASH! And because they pay the shelf stockers minimum wage with no benefits, they can afford to make emplyess run around after "unshoppers" like me, brave enough to unload their garlic stuffed olives in the toilet paper aisle.

BRAVERY! that's what we are talking about here folks!

So ever since I had the "idea" and realized that we are denied the ability to unshop without guilt, just so that we can be pressured into BUY BUY BUYING.... I feel guilty no more. Now unshopping has become a sport. Just how strange and unusual can I GET with the relocation of store items? Hemroid Cream by the refried beans? Pregnancy Tests next to Margarita Mix? Oh yes. YES!

And another bad habit I am about to admit to. Oh boy. Just spilling the beans. I could totally go to jail here folks.

Ladies. Ever gone to buy a pair of pajamas and you grab a matching set off the rack and get in the dressing room and you have a top that is WAYY smaller than the bottoms? WTF? What BITCH would do this? Um. Yeah. Me. **cough cough** that was me. I totally wear a size bigger on top than on the bottom, sometimes two sizes. It's these damn breasts. I can't help it. It's the way I am. What clothing manufacturer thought that just because we are one size on top, we are the same size on the bottom? So I am totally the chick who takes two sizes into the dressing room, rearranges the sets so that there is a bigger top than a bottom, and then buys them and takes them home, leaving some poor unsuspecting individual to have a mismatched set in the future. And if you have ever looked at a bag of underwear (like a 3 pack) and there are two of one ugly ass pattern? Um. Me. Totally Me. If there is something ugly, I am not above rearranging the package contents so that the pretty ones are all in one package. Why can't I pick out my own damn drawers? Am I so stupid that I need you to prepackage them with an assortment that includes an ugly ass teal paisley pair of undies? Nope. Send those to Big Lots folks... I want the good shit. A bad day at the factory and a poor executive decision at Hanes is NOT my problem. Don't try to force my ass to be ugly!
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6 comments:

le chat qui a peur said...

OMG! Soul Sister...I've finally found you!! I'm an UNSHOPPER too!!

dazed said...

I am NOT alone!

C-8 said...

Hi, my name's Cate and I'm an unshopper.

It's the stores' faults - I wouldn't have to leave those adorable Heathcliff underwear in the cereal aisle after I decided that I didn't want them if I didn't dread that look from the cashier when I say "you know what? I changed my mind on those" then the cashier does that eye-roll and sigh (not like she's going to be stuck putting it away) and I just hate that!

dazed said...

exACTLY! See! It's the store's fault!

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