Friday, September 16, 2005

Is this Black Hole Sucking me In?

Today is one of those days. You know that feeling that you get when someone you loved dearly leaves, or your dog is missing, or someone you love breaks up with you? That heartbroken, nauseous, weight in your stomach, don't want to talk about it, Can't help but be on the verge of tears every single second- feeling? I have it. My husband has made me incredibly incredibly angry, sad, disappointed and desperate. We have been together 9 years, but after just one short month of marraige he has succeeded in letting me down and making me feel this way. Do I blame him? Yes. Is some of it my fault? Probably. Why did I wait 9 years to decide that this thing needs to change? Why didn't I stop this way back in the beginning?

So why blog about it? Why put it out there for everyone to see and read? Why not pretend like you feel fine, pick yourself up, go one with your day. You know, eat your lunch even though you are so nauseous, answer your phone happily even though you want to cry. Well, because I feel that all to often, people candy coat things. They pretend like nothing unhappy ever goes on. They look for the best in every situation. They lead young people like us to believe that there is no downside, no sadness in love and marraige. They are so wrong.

Having been in the same relationship for 9 years, I feel that I am able to comment that things are not always perfect, and that there is no worse feeling than having to put your foot down. There is nothing worse than telling someone politely or angrily 500 thousand times how you feel about something and having them do the same thing to you over and over again, 499 thousand more times, and then suddenly realizing that you really can't take this anymore, that you deserve better, and that you have to put a stop to it because the other person won't. If you let it go on, it will keep going on. That's the bottom line.

It's the harsh realization, that no matter what people promise or vow, no one else will ever take care of you like you will take care of you. It's unnerving. It's maddening. It makes you feel helpless, and like you are the bad guy. Like "if you could just deal with this and not let it bother you, it would be fine." It makes you feel like you have no control over what will happen to you and like you will have to ruin your entire life, that you have worked SO HARD for, in order to build it back up again. It makes me wonder, why would you ever put someone that you love through this feeling? Is it because you don't understand the severity of the problem? Is it because you are selfish? Is it because you are oblivious to the pain of others?

Or is it because you have had everything handed to you and have never HAD that feeling. You have never had it and dealt with it and done everything you can to go back to how you felt before it, and then had to live with it until the dull in your stomach just lessened and lessened and until you can just look back and remember what it USED to feel like? And usualy it is all over something that (from my end at least) looks to be so trivial. Something that is nothing in the face of losing someone that you love dearly, someone that you feel you NEED to survive.

But what else can you do.

I am at that place so often referred to as "My wit's end." I get so frustrated being the responsible one. But in order to get out of this cycle, do I have to bow out? Do I have to lose my material posessions, to move to a new location, to be penniless and without someone that I love? Do I need to reinvent myself? Do I need to live in someone else's home and abandon my own? Do I need to worry about where my dogs will sleep and where will they do while I am at work? Where will I sleep? What will I do about all the bills that are in our name, about the checking account? How will I pay for the things that I am responsible for?

I start to think that the only way to make someone else realize how this feeling feels, is to give them this feeling right back. But that can't be right? Surely if you love someone you don't want them to feel this way? Surely there must be a better way. I more noble and right way to handle it. A better way to get them to understand how you feel than making yourself feel worse and giving them the exact same feeling?

Does anyone know of a better way?

I visualize a black hole. One that you fight and fight not to get close to, and then you realize as you get closer and closer that all this fighting has got you worn out, and you aren't even feeling like yourself anymore, and that maybe if you would just let go and let it pull you in, and slip through it.... and then as you start to get sucked in you panic again and your fear is the worst feeling. What am I doing?! Isn't it better to pretend like it doesn't bother you and fight it out than lose everything? You go through pain, not physical pain so much as emotional pain. Watching everything that you loved just slipping away, and not knowing what is on the other side, and then when you get through, and you are on the other side, you look at your hands, your feet- you touch your face and you realize that it's all still there. You made it. You are through the worst, but here you are on the other side, that looks similar to where you were, but you have lost the people you love, and that you have nothing. No possessions. But you are still kicking. And then you are overwhelmed with the feeling of where to start, what to do, and how can you possibly do it with that dull ache that you have in your stomach. You never realized that it is possible to have your heart in your stomach.
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