Wednesday, January 10, 2007

White Tiger Dream

I had the wildest dream last night. Pun intended.

Evan and I were at home, except it was more like my mom's house. Capital One was pissed at me for not paying my credit card bill (in real life I don't even HAVE a Capital One Credit Card or anything) and they sent a white tiger to my house. I was sitting in the living room and a white tiger (think Sigfried and Roy) walked THROUGH the wall (like a magic ghost tiger) and right past me into my dining room. My dogs were freaked, so they were suddenly on the dining room table in kennels, barking and snarling at the tiger, who just calmly walked over and sniffed them. They wouldn't shut up, so the tiger bared his teeth once at them and they whined into the back of their kennels. I crawled over to the tiger and looked at it. How did I know that Capital One Sent the tiger? Easy. Duh. The Tiger had Capital One in Blue writing on his butt, just like a My Little Pony.

AND about that time I saw a white Capital One van drive around the front of the house, through the yard, past the picture window. This lady drove all the way around the house and stopped by the sliding patio door next to the dining room table. I was huddled under the table with the tiger. It was like neither one of us wanted to be found. I decided I would stay there and hide, just like we used to do when Jehovah's Witnesses used to come to our house. Then that damn capital one lady kept knocking and knocking, until she opened the door! OMG! This was just like that time the Jehovah's Witnesses walked all the way around our house and let themselves in the back patio door calling "hello?!" and my mom FLIPPED out at them and told them to get out and get off our property and to never ever come back again.

So anyway, she opens the door. She LOOKS like Madame Hooch from Harry Potter, the Quidditch Coach. My husband comes walking into the room (because he doesn't have the resolve to hide out as long as I do) and she says "I need you to sign this paper about your wife's addiction" (as in I am addicted to shopping and can't pay my credit card) and then she tells him that if he signs it, she can help us. She can get me help.

And then My husband grabs a pen and is about to sign and sNaP and I leap up from under the table and go all psycho wife. I rip the paper in half and I give her the evil "I will take your ass to the floor and I wish I had a shotgun" look and I said "Get the FUCK off my FUCKING property and don't ever come back here again. Don't call here, don't mail me anything. This is trespassing. Who do you think you are sending a white tiger into people's homes. He didn't even KNOCK and neither did YOU. There are animals here and a tiger has no business here. " and she says "He didn't hurt anyone, he is specially trained" and then I said "I DON'T FUCKING CARE. GET OUT!" and my husband just looks at me and then the tiger looked at me like WHOA and then I woke up. I was so pissed.

2 comments:

Michelle said...

Would a tiger normally knock?! I'm glad we're not the only ones who can't stand the intruding Jehovah's witnesses!

Jackson said...

dude you need some serious help... I think you have issues!!!

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