Friday, March 31, 2006

Your Wrote THAT on the INTERNET? Piss Off.

Post removed. I got tired of seeing my feelings so blatantly "out there"
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Thursday, March 30, 2006

Rejected Dr. Seuss Books:

The Cat in the Blender
Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
Fox in Detox
Who Shat in the Hat?
Horton Hires a Ho
The Flesh-Eating Lorax
How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
Are You My Proctologist?
Yentl the Lentil
My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
Aunts in My Pants
Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
Horton Fakes an Orgasm
The Grinch's Ten Inches

I love My Job!
I love my job, I love the pay.
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss; he/she is the best.
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my office and its location.
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And the paper that piles up every day.
I love my chair in my padded cell.
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers.
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it don't care.
I love each program and every file,
I try to understand once in a while.
I'm happy to be here, I am, I am;
I'm the happiest slave of my Uncle Sam.
I love this work; I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job-I'll say it again.
I even love these friendly men,
These men who've come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away.
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I am SOOO fucking bored. I told myself that I wouldn't post another time today, since I have already put about 8 pointless things here. But I am SOOOO BORED!

I watched TIVO'd reruns of Simpsons, Family Guy, and then the new episode of My Name is Earl (Love it) and after my third family guy rerun I was like, okay. Bo-ring. So I turned the TV off and opened up the laptop, put on the iPod. I discovered that you can't charge your ipod via USB and listen to it at hte same time. I also discovered that I like to type to the music. SwEEEt. I have listened to AC/DC Money Talks about 3 times now. I just keep going back and listening to it over again because I just need to hear it ONE more TIME! Nothing better than jamming out in my best hair band voice. And I have one. Believe me. The dogs are just sitting here looking at me. Once they get used to like the third time around they just sleep through it.


I might just have to listen to all their CD's and switch from "shuffle" to an order. Of course I load the ipod in a shuffle so there won't be a whole CD in there. I guess I could put my headphones on the laptop and then CONTROL What I listen to.

But the coolest thing about the shuffle is that I can hear Simon and Garfunkel one second, and then CRANK it to White Zombie the next. And then suddenly it's... Norah Jones? followed by Violent Femmes... and then Big and Rich followed by BEASTIE BOYS~! License to Ill of course. All though I have all of them, that's my favorite. The only person at our wedding who requested a song to ME was Cody, and he played Brass Monkey because he STILL remembers hanging out with me 10 years ago and jamming to Beastie Boys. I can't get enough of the "shuffle" feature. It rocks.

All the cool kids on the back of the bus. Sha la la la la la la la la.

A boring night can completely do a 18o if you put on an iPod. It's amazing. It's a revolution. But the smart cookies out there already know that.

Now if I were just walking on the treadmill. I totally sucked it on the South Beach diet today. CB convinced me that I needed to cheat for Taco Pizza. That was going to be my only cheat this week. I even passed up the whole box of donuts that Evan left on the stove this morning. Didn't touch a one. But then tonight I ate TWO and that's what I had for supper. Mmmm Mmmm. Back on the wagon tomorrow. But I love me some chocolate cake donuts with chocolate frosting and sprinkles. Yeah baby.

He-ea-y hey hey hey.... All the fishes love me, they all wanna jump on the end of my line.

Longaberger show came today, at least ONE box did. Tomorrow the other should arrive. I didn't get much of my stuff. I ordered great big storage solutions baskets that fit on the bottom shelf of the two side tables in the living room. And liners. And a small crocus basket. Yum. Anya was joking with me a while back wondering what would come first, the baby or the longaberger. And Ava won. I also got the Housewives Tarot Deck. I took it out of the box but didn't have the attention span to read the directions yet. Maybe this weekend.

It is totally getting nasty outside, raining and blowing and thunder and lightening. With the ipod on I didn't even know it was storming finally until one of the dogs jumped up and then the lightening flashed. I took off the headphones and got a little freaked. So I just decided I am safer here with Nine Inch Nails Cranked up. Ummm Unless a Tornado comes, but you can't hear the town sirens on our street anyway. They are probably 15 blocks away. What a crock of shit eh?

Sidewalk crouches at her feet, like a dog that begs for something sweet...

Since I left work tonight I have been like pulling off pieces of my clothing every hour or so. First I ditched the thigh highs. Then an hour later, the heels. Then it was my sweater. Then my underwear. An hour later my bra. Then my dress. Now I don a fabulous soft blue blanket stolen fair and square by hubz from a hotel in the UP Michigan on a snowmobile trip. It's affectionately known in our house as "the big blue." Now I am finally comfy. Wearing nothing but a blanket and an iPod.

You've got to press it on you, you just think it that's what you do it baby... It's Dare.

There is a finial missing on the end of the curtain rod and I know where it is but I half can't get it to stay up there and I half don't give a shit to crawl up there and try to attach it. Lazy.

I'm chokin I'm chokin on the smoke from this burnin' house...

Tomorrow I have to buy soap. Dishwasher Soap. or as hubz calls it "dishwasher fluid" like it's wiper fluid or brake fluid or something. And some laundry detergent. Luckily we still have people soap or we would be stinky.

Does anyone else have a crazy ass abundance of MAGAZINES and CATALOGS? I can not part with them. I probably say that like 80% of my purchases are from catalogs. And we are suckers for magazines. Better Homes and Gardens, Country Home, Cuisine at Home, Wired, Smart Computing, Maxim (eeewww crapola), Playboy, GQ, you name it, we read it. It's hard to get rid of back issues. I have all the Rolling Stones for like three years. Every issue. Hermetically (Sp?) sealed in a plastic tote. Ready to sell someday for hopefully HUGE cash. LOL. I remember when my great grandma went to the nursing home, my grandpa had like EVERY issue of Life magazine for 50 years. I remember the "JFK" issue sitting on the hayrack at the auction.

Have I ever mentioned that is where I first met husband? Long long ago. His dad was the auctioneer at my great grandma's property auction. Evan was there, two years younger than me in school, and my friend Jenny Buckalew was there and Evan to this day recalls that I was "mean" to him. LOL. Nothing has changed. He remembers it better than I do, so I must have been fairly mean. Or maybe he just fell in love with my long blonde hair and serious attitude and never forgot me. LOL. That was about 7 years before we ever met again in High School. Strange how things work out. My mom was in the same class with Evan's parents her whole life. That's how small towns work I guess. Speaking of husband. Is he EVER coming HOME! Argh! Nothing pisses me off worse. Nothing.

In the wintertime, when all the leaves are brown and the wind blows... and the birds, have all flown, for the summer...

Well, even though I am not the LEAST bit tired, I suppose that I should try to make myself sleep soon. Everybody have a good night and I am sorry for this worthless post.

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I did not just say deep throats, mom. (and dad)

Since I don't have any deep throats... ummm I mean thoughts lately (ha ha) maybe you should go check out Paige's Deep Thoughts. Page is my new renter. Her blog is pretty and I have yet to figure out what the chick at the top (be it Paige herself or a representation of herself) is leaning against. I tried visualizing a horse, and then I got all confused. Horse's confuse me. I know. especially when I thought Zack had a horse caught in his plumbing (his house's plumbing) and I got all concerned but he was sure it was more a squirrel sized clog... so umm...yeah. Horse's. Camptown Ladies Sing This Song- Doo da, doo da. It's like watching the Kentucky Derby when the prep for the race takes like forever (I mean the commentary, not how long it takes those ladies to get into nice tea length dresses with big summer hats, but that too I guess) and then the race is over in like a split second and you were like "all that hoo-ha for a little racey race?" Of course... I guess when you get used to watching the Daytona or Indy 500 you really start expecting a few laps around the track...

I am not sure what to tell you to make you go visit her, except that I know you have nothing better to do, and I know that you should do what I say because it's cool and it's the thing to do. And because if you do it, I will let you play with my hair. mmm kay? I'll even let you brush it if you want. That's a good boy.... clicky clicky on over to Paige's.

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Thigh Highs in the Bible....

Okay, so, ummm I know I haven't posted anything quality today, but I am so wrapped up with the baby and taking pictures and sending them to everyone, that I seem to be distracted. And I ate taco Pizza for lunch and that always occupies my body for the rest of the day. LOL.

This morning on the way to work I drove past Heartland Auto Body and the guys had a remote controlled big foot that they were driving in the road, along route 6, and it was coming towards me in the other lane, and the first evil thought that crossed my mind? Swerve and crunch over the damn thing, compressing their manly ego's into a teeny tiny cube of busted plastic with an antenna sticking out. And then (even worse) I thought of how I would make it up to them and which one I would pick first! Oh. My. God. Hormones! What was with that. I am telling you it is these damn thigh highs. Not only are they comfy and oh-so-breathable... they make me do (or think about doing) very bad things! The propaganda is right! They are dirty! They turn you into a whore! I am sure that somewhere in the bible it says "thou shalt not weareth thigh highs. (biblical footnote ** especially not those with lace on top, they will send you straight to hell.**)" and I guess it is a good thing I don't live by the bible.

CB will want to escort me to church when I say this, but if I believed everything a controlling white egotistical male wrote or said in the heat of a moment... I would be in serious trouble. I think of all the times the bible has been translated and re-translated from launguage to language, and from time to time, and I know that I can't trust someone else's translation "opinion" of what they read in the bible. Of course, is the bible really a documentation of facts or is it just someone's interpretation of events that took place and their OPINION of how it was meant? I mean really. We have no proof. My mom always taught me don't believe everything you read... and to think for myself, so I am just being logical. So if the bible says don't wear thigh-highs, then I guess I would have to say that is not something I am going to follow. Just like the bible says (or so I hear) that homosexuality is a sin. I don't care what the bible says. If I want to get it on with a girl I will. And if guys prefer to love other guys, then all I want is for everyone to be happy. Because you only live once, and life is too short to be unhappy and never experience true love.

So enough of that Tangent.

I am excited about the weekend. My mom and I will be meeting my friend Zack. He bought a house that was built by my great great grandpa Hortz, and was the house where my great grandma grew up. There was a stained glass window in the front of the house that said "Hortz" and my mom has it. Zack is excited to learn about the "history" of the house, everything to who builit it, who lived there, the hardware store that the Hortz's owned, and the two Hortz sons (my great uncles) who were both killed in World War I and after that point had the Legion named after them in Sheffield, Illinois. So I can't wait to see the inside of the house, the work Zack has done so far, and share pictures and things from the house with him.

Besides that I plan on lying low at home.

So that's about all the excitement I can blabber about today.

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Hair-raising HNT!

Happy HNT Everybody! Click on the HNT Tag below to view all my past HNT Photos!

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Alabama Overalls.... and other fun stuff.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed"
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit."
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Baby Pictures

Please go here:
and click on "View Ava's Photo Album" to see the entire album of pictures.
I also have both albums from Anya's baby shower online... all in my flickr albums.

She looks like her daddy!

That is of course me holding her this morning!
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She's Here!!

Ava Lynn Travis.
10:53 pm March 29th
8 pounds 14 ounces 21.5 inches long
she has a little dark hair and mom (anya) and dad (brad)are doing great!
Just shy of 28 hours in labor...

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Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Free Digital Scrapbook Downloads

Check out the FREE Digital Kit Downloads at Shabby Princess. There are 12 kits to download for free, download the entire kit or just certain elements.

She also has a neat little blog with cute ideas.

You won't regret this visit, if you are a scrapbooker. Or even a web/graphic designer.

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Check the Menu...

Okay, I hope that this isn't viewed as a racist post. I happen to appreciate and embrace many cultures, just so you know in advance. But this is pretty funny. Pretend I am Carlos Mencia for a moment.....

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's
a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced
either. On their wedding night, she cowers naked
under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs
in next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss
time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give
you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting
you want".

"What chou want?" he says, trying to sound
experienced and hoping to impress his virgin bride.<

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits
patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She
eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try
somethin I have heard about... numbaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, this time from
him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...

"You want... Chicken wiff broccori?"

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Send Lotto Tickets

Thou Shalt not covet they neighbor's wife. And I don't. But I do covet these things.

Sizzix Sidekick Tote in which to storify and transportate my sizzlet dies and my sizzix sidekick machine.

An Adorable White Armoire such as this one from Land of Nod or this one from Pottery Barn. For our spare bedroom which has no closet. I covet. Heavily.

Pebbles i-kan-dee chalks. They come in several color palettes, and I covet all of them. I am just not happy with Stampin up, Close to My Heart, or other brands of chalk because they don't have such a grand range of colors to meet my every whim and fancy. Therefore I have never purchased any chalks. Therefore I covet the i-kan-dee pastels, bold brights, and earth tones chalk sets. That's three. That's $45 for chalk. Chalk people. For real.

LL Bean's perfect fit bootcut pants. Because they are perfect. In everyway. I have a pair on today and another pair at home and that is not NEARLY enough. I love love love them in everyway. There are no better pants. Period. Comfy. Attractive, versatile. Quality construction at an affordable price. What more could you want?

Close To My Heart Rolling Scrapbook/Stamping Organizer. Because it's fabulous. It holds what I need it to. It's the best one for my needs and it's $129.00 worth of fabulousness that I have yearn to have.

Lia Sophia's new for 2006 "Aloha" Bracelet. I MUST HAVE IT! I have a friend who is a consultant, so this may be the one thing on this list that I actually purchase soon.

3 Stamp Organizers for my scrapbook room. I have the matching ink pad organizer from this eBay seller and as soon as I win the lottery I would like to have three for my stamps.

Okay. I am done now. Really. I could probably go on shopping all day. But instead I will stop here. I covet too much. I need to go to Shoppers Anonymous.
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Pins and Needles

Today I am on pins and needles. My friend Anya is in labor, and today she will deliver a baby girl! Yeah! We have been waiting for this! I can't wait to hold her and to see her with Anya. And with Brad. I talked to her last night when they induced her, and this morning I haven't gotten to talk to her or see her yet, and it is driving me CrAzY! I just want to see her worse than anything, but I am not sure if she is past the point of "seeing" yet. I am so excited! Check back for pictures later! Hopefully today!
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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Bead Retreat

For those of you out there who like to bead, I just have to tell you that I just saw the newest Bead Retreat Catalog (available in PDF format online here although I can only open it with IE and not Mozilla?) and I was seriously disappointed. I felt like everything in there was "old ladyish." Can they GET Any more Pearls? Ugh. I am not Donna Reid and I can only have so many things with Pearls. I already have about 4 necklaces, none of which I wear. Pearl OVERLOAD!

So I saw like TWO things that I even remotely liked and I ordered one of them. I did like the ala carte section, and I did order spacers and some charms... and a couple of their toggles, because I like their toggles. But it's hard because you can buy an entire package of toggles at Wal-Mart for the price of one toggle from Bead Retreat. And I know they aren't the same. But they work. And You can buy pins and earring kits and wire and crimp beads at Wal-Mart.... Now if they would just start sell their beads ala carte so I could have some of their cool beads without having to endure their ugly color combos and their pearl laden bracelets. If I went to Michaels or ordered from a bead catalog or visited a bead store, I am sure to be overwhelmed, but I am too cheap to spend that much on beads, so I don't generally order from bead catalogs. But Michaels would probably be okay.

I have to say that Bead Retreat is a cool idea, but after making one bracelet, and not even at a show, but shown by a friend, a crafty person like me is going to realize that they can make their own, much cooler jewelry, for half the cost and with endless possibilities.... thay won't look like anyone else's. That doesn't mean that everyone will want to.... but I do.

So I may have outgrown bead retreat. Without ever even going to a show.

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The perfect combination of sexy and cranky

I am kind of cranky today. I think it stems from yesterday and things that I had to deal with last night that I wasn't thrilled about. I guess 7 hours of sleep didn't erase my frustration.

I am happy that I have lost three more pounds, for a total of 13 pounds now. That is good. I am glad. I am really not having any trouble with the whole South Beach thing, it's very natural now. The worst part is if I get hungry and don't have time to go somewhere to grab something, because there is usually just snacky food around... not healthy stuff. And the cost of all this healthy food is not a thing to take lightly!

Let's take a vote today, by a show of comments, how many people think that I can make it through the day and home tonight without snagging my $14.00 Fredericks of Hollywood Thigh High Pantyhose? Yeah. I always buy cheap pantyhose at Wal-Mart, because I am pretty rough on them. I tend to lose them instead of wash them, so I never wear them more than once. I usually buy no nonsense or whatever. Well I bought expensive thigh highs, as a little "present" for myself. Sort of a girly splurge. They were $14 a pair, and one of them is "work appropriate"- just nude colored. I love them. They are super comfy, very sexy, and there is something to be said about the feel of expensive hose. But my biggest fear is that I will snag them. Then it will be $14 down the drain. And I will be pissed. And go back to wearing cheap pantyhose.

This morning in the mirror I had to practice how far I could bend over before you could see the lace, because it is not unusual for me to spend an hour or more on the floor or under someone's desk each day (for purely non-sexual reasons of course!!) hooking up a computer or running wires. And if you are going to be crawling around on the floor in $14 hose, you need to know exactly how you look. I have perfected the art of showing a little lace without showing any skin. Yeah baby.

Note to self: bring a lint brush to work so that when you are finished unloading boxes or crawling on the floor you can remove the debris from your sleek black clothing.

So that's it in a nutshell. Appointment at the accountant for tax preparation this evening. That's about the extent of the excitement here. Except that we are out of dishwasher soap and laundry soap. Send money.

Place your votes.... will they snag?

UPDATE: Honey, There's a Runner in my Pantyhose! But it's not a snag! Nope! I didn't snag the damn things! I was a VERY good girl today, I even wore them to the accountant to get the taxes done, but unfortunately a runner STARTED ALL BY ITSELF right where the lace meets the stocking and it ran down my leg instead of up. I caught it in time to nail polish it, but damn! $14 and they run away on their own? So tell me your thoughts. Does this warrant a phone call to Frederick's to complain/discuss why their thigh highs started their own runner? Or am I just being freakishly picky? Wouldn't you say that they are DEFECTIVE? Like the nightgown that I bought that had a rip in the back as soon as I removed it from the package? Help a girl out, what's your thoughts?
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Dr Phil's Test: Meagan is a 48

Go ahead, you know you want to.... put your results in the comments.

Dr Phil's Test: Here you go. Try this! Below is Dr Phil's test. (Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah - she got a 38.) The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends. The person who sent it placed their score in the e-mail subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends (send it back to the person who sent it to you.) Answers are for who you are now...... not who you were in the past. It's only 10 simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question.

1. When do you feel your best? a) in the morning b) during the afternoon & and early evening c) late at night

2. You usually walk... a) fairly fast, with long steps b) fairly fast, with little steps c) less fast head up,looking the world in the face d) less fast, head down e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you.. a) stand with your arms folded b) have your hands clasped c) have one or both your hands on your hips d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with.. a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side b) your legs crossed c) your
legs stretched out or straig ht d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with... a) big appreciated laugh b) a laugh, but not a loud one c) a quiet chuckle d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you... a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted...... a) welcome the break b) feel extremely irritated c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most? a) red or orange b) black c) yellow or light blue d) green e) dark blue or purple f) white g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are.. a) stretched out on your back b) str etched out face down on your stomach c) on your side, slightly curled d)
with your head on one arm e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are... a) falling b) fighting or struggling c) searching for something or somebody d) flying or floating e) you usually have dreamless sleep f) your dreams are always pleasant

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1
Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust In your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.
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Monday, March 27, 2006

Network Administrator

Dear Other Person Who Lives in My House and Touches My Computer,

Please stop downloading crap. I hate viruses. I have had the same laptop for two years and even with no antivirus protection I have never gotten a virus. In the same two years of sharing a desktop computer (WITH anti-virus and a firewall) with you I have had to reformat the hard drive unexpectedly due to a crash, and I have had to deal with numerous worms and other viruses. It's all about being smart and knowing what is a legitimate download and what is not, and scanning your files before transferring them from a friend.

It's frustrating. It makes me angry and exhausted. I do not want to work 8 hours a day on computers and come home to print off business expense and income detail for our tax appointment tomorrow and discover that the computer will not run properly, and my Quicken software will not work, because we have another virus that I know I did not acquire. I don't want to spend my night running virus scans, putting affected files in quarantine, searching online for replacement dll files, and reinstalling programs that the virus has wiped out or infected.

When the computer starts acting funny and the antivirus program starts throwing up erroneous errors even when I just reinstalled it, you say to me, in a tone that is struggling to sound 100% innocent, "ummm... maybe we have a virus?" When really you could just say (or maybe you could have said three days ago when you downloaded a virus, before it started running rampant on the network, corrupting our files, attacking our computer, and emailing itself to others) "please help, I think I downloaded another virus." Nice try looking innocent. I don't buy it. I see right through the innocent act.

There was a reason that a year ago I took away your administrator privledges on that machine. Please don't make me do it again. You have your own laptop. If you feel that you must download every program, freeware, file-sharing, bunch of crap that you run across or your friend downloads and gives to you via jump drive, please do it on your own machine and not on our desktop PC.

I do not feel like constantly worrying if I have all my pictures, financial information, etc. backed up constantly so that I am ready for the next virus that mysteriously appears on the machine.

I also refuse to teach you how to hack into other people's wireless networks and change their settings. I am not interested in your evil plots. This is why I "don't teach you anything" as you request of me, and why I don't share our network passwords with you or anyone else.

Frustrated and All-Powerful,
The Network Administrator

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Saturday, March 25, 2006

Grocery Shopping with Jimi Hendrix

Last night I went Grocery Shopping with Jimi Hendrix. Jack Johnson was there too, and the Beastie Boys. I am not sure what made me come up with this fabulous idea.

I hate shopping at Wal-mart. They have those god damn speakers that come down from the ceiling and blast you with crappy commercials and Jessica Simpson-ish pop tartlets. They have Wal-Mart TV playing 10 decibels louder than I play my own TV. I can't stand in an aisle and be bombarded by crap, surrounded by moms in sweatsuits with screaming kids that have their shoes on the wrong feet, their hair not brushed for three days, and a sticky red sucker all over their mouths to enhance their kool-aid moustache. It puts me in a bad mood.

So I wore my iPod in Walmart. I put the earbuds in, cranked it out, and danced around mouthing (and occasionally singing out loud) the lyrics to things that you will never find on Wal-mart TV. I saw some old folks looking at me like I was a bizarre person- not to teen punk they imagined seeing in public in earphones. I saw DROVES of husbands looking at me longingly- not because they wanted ME (I think at least) but because they longed for my "escape" and my ability to block out the mart. One particular husband looked incredibly forlorn as he pushed the cart and guarded his wife's purse while I danced towards the toilet paper and squeezed tomatoes to the beat.

I only took them off when I checked out, and then they went right back into my ears as I passed the greeter, and unlocked my car to put away groceries.

I will never grocery shop without my iPod again.

Please pray for me as I embark upon a full weekend of cleaning, organizing, laundry, and dishes.
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Friday, March 24, 2006

If you're going to do it, do it big...

I am a collector. I like shiny things. Like a bird. I can fly overhead and see something shiny and I will swoop down and attack if I have to. I must have things shiny, sparkly, pink, orange, red, sleek black with chrome. I can't have just ONE of anything. I become attached to things. I have cool stuff. It costs me lots of money. I am addicted. I need a 12 step program. But I am sure that wouldn't even begin to cure me.

I am crafty and I can't stop. I can do ANYTHING and it is a disease that I caught from my mother and my aunt and it devours my life. I have the disease ten thousand times stronger than they ever did. I am envied by all non-crafty people. But they don't envy my withdrawals. They don't envy how much of my money goes towards these addictions, and they don't envy how much space it takes up in my house.

I need ribbons, papers, scissors, punches, ink pads, markers, stickers, embellishments, eyelets and brads in every size, shape, and color imaginable. I need stamps. LOTS and LOTS of stamps. I need glitter and beads. Lots of beads. I need sizzix dies. I need paints and stencils and brushes and pastels and watercolors. I need spray glitter and glue glitter and ultrafine glitter. I need glue guns with glue sticks and a glue dipping pot. I need raffia and grapevines and flowers. I need reeds and seagrass and basketweaving tools and all kinds of basket patterns. I need yarn and crochet needles, and baskets to keep my many projects. I need my sewing machine and fabric and elastic and zippers and thread and bobbins and seam rippers. I need paintable frames and plain wooden letters and terra cotta flower pots. I need things that need to be decorated. I need craft magazines coming to the house each month and I need to go to scrapbook and card classes and I need to go to the scrapbook expo in Chicagoland each year. I need to belong to a stamping/scrapbooking club in which I order more of these things each month and I need to get catalogs from places like Oriental Trading Company, Paper Wishes, and Art Gone Wild. I need to TIVO the scrapbooking show on DIY network. And I need to spend 9 hours watching QVC's Scrapbook Fair on the weekend to see what Lisa Bearnson has for me and how soon she can ship it to my home. Nothing makes me happier than a wave of colorful things, organized by their color families. Ribbons, papers, eyelets... paints, yarn, thread. A rainbow of color. All for me.

What's worse? It doesn't stop there. I love to read. I must have every book I see. I collect them. I finish reading them and I can't stand letting go of them. I always think "a nice person would donate all of these to a library" but I CAN NOT let them go. I stamp my name inside and I place them just so on my shelves. Smalles to largest, alphabetical by author, categorized by type. I like to walk by and run my fingers over their spines. I get a thrill that travels down my spine. I want to see them and see them. I want their pages, crisp and new or worn and soft. Even musty smelling ones with cracked spines. I must have them all.

I love to cook. I have two sets of cookware. We literally have a hanging pot rack that we store it all on. I have 15 rubber scrapers (spatulas) right now. They are all only 3 years old or newer. I own 6 whisks. 15 measuring spoons. 2 food choppers. Nylon tools and bamboo spoons that would make your eyes pop out. Egg slicers, cherry pitters, cooks corers, zesters, v shaped cutters, knives in sharpening cases, can strainers, pizza cutters, ice cream scoops, cheese knives, and melon ballers. I have so much stoneware I own every piece in the Pampered Chef catalogs, in almost every color they have made in the last 5 years, and duplicates of about half the pieces. I hace microcookers and rice cookers. I have two mixers. My brand New Kitchen Aid (shiny black with Chrome) and an antique 1949 Hamilton Beach Model G with a peachy custom paint job and 5 glass bowls that I bought on ebay to match it. I have a foreman grill and a Mickey Mouse wafflemaker, and a Mickey Mouse Cookie Jar and a Mickey Mouse Toaster that burns mickey's head into the toast and plays "it's a small world after all." Being an ass kicking Pampered Chef consultant gained me 6 aprons. And a full kitchen of top of the line kitchen tools. I sold $35 THOUSAND dollars of kitchen tools to other wives for 3 years. I recruited three other women. I kicked ass. I love to make bread. You know the sweet bread that you get at the good italian restraunts... the gondola bread? That's my specialty. 5 or 6 loaves and eleven cups of flour later. You will find me in my kitchen punching down the dough and enjoying every bit of it. It makes me happy.

I love to decorate. I love to pick paint and furniture and accents. Rugs and tile and towels. I know cottage style and craftsman style and modern looks. I love decorating magazines. I love to Organize. If you saw it in Martha Stewart, I have too. I am addicted to labeling. I have a labelmaker and I like containers with labels, shelves with labels. I love rubbermaid. There was a time when My attic was more organized than most people's living rooms. When I had a summer off I spent my days cleaning, cooking and organizing. I cleaned the attic and the basement and made $600 on one yard sale. If I could quit my job tomorrow and spend my days at home organizing, and cooking and decorating.... I would be happy. I would be crafty and I would be complete. I can not begin to tell you the thrill and charge I get from an organized closet. I will walk by it and open the door just so I can look inside. Right now mine are all disasters, and it drives me cRaZy!

I love to accessorize. I need hair clips and scarves and earrings, bracelets, necklaces. I need makeup with eye shadow in every shade (even though I wear boring brown just about every day.) I have eyeliner in 5 colors (same thing with the brown every day.) I have mascara with sparkles and toe rings and close to 70 pair of shoes. I have five pairs of slippers. I have pajamas and two dresser drawers of socks. Just about all of them are dirty right now. I have hundreds of dollars of Victoria's Secret Underwear and Bras. I have pantyhose and thigh highs and teddy's. I have perfume and shampoo and body wash. Lotions and Potions to boggle your mind and all your senses. Lotions that taste good, smell good, sparkle, glow, and soften the skin. I have so many things that I can't possibly begin to name them all.

I have so many things that I have worked so hard for.

I have a monkey on my back. And I can't get rid of it. I may be going to hell, but I am not sure I could live without the collecting, OCD monkey. And since I can't have just one of anything, you can bet there are like 5 monkey's on my back.

If you're going to do it, do it big. My motto is "never half-ass anything."
Just bury me with my monkeys.

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It is NOT the same!

Dear Wendy's,

Since when does a taco salad have chili on it? I am sure that you have a good explanation, a reason for multitasking beans and meat and pouring it over a taco salad, but I am telling you, it makes me, the customer, unhappy and very uncomfortable. And the customer is always right!

I was very pleased when I went through the drive through for my first taste of your new taco salad. My service was exceptionally fast. I was given two bags. One contained my salad and what looked to be some delightful taco-ish prepackaged components that would make my salad wonderful. The second was a bag with a nice warm little cup of what I could only assume was the taco meat for my salad. I was so excited to see the two kept separate, I had been concerned about having cold meat on the salad. When I unpacked the little meal back in the office, I was thrilled that there was such a large amount of lettuce, although it was more of the icebergy kind that is white and chunkish and less of the romaine or leafy lettuce that I prefer in my salads (like McDonald's can apparently afford.) These were not the "crisp mixed greens" that you advertise and picture on your website. This was the white and light green lettuce in chunks.

I saw cute little sour cream pouch and tempting chipotle ranch dressing. I saw a bag of seasoned tortilla chips that were much like the HOT fritos. When I removed the "taco meat" from the bag, I was dismayed to see Chili written on the outside of the container. I thought "is this a cruel joke? A sad mistake?" and then I thought "oh no, they are just cleverly conserving out earth's resources by putting my taco meat in their chili container. How clever they are at Wendy's!"

Then I removed the lid and shrieked in horror at what was most DEFINITELY watery chili in my chili cup. Was this a joke? I checked my receipt. No mention of chili on the receipt. Did they REALLY was me to pour CHILI on a taco salad? Sure, meat, beans.... but it is just NOT the same! Different seasonings altogether! Oh the clashing flavors. Could I do it? Would it ruin my salad?

Well, I did it. And although the salad wasn't ruined, it didn't taste like a Taco salad so much as a salad that someone put chili over. And I had to very carefully, using my plastic yellow fork, siphon the beans and meat out of the chili container, because I was NOT going to pour that chili flavored water over a crunchy crisp salad.

I ate it, and it was tolerable. But it was not a taco salad. It was a salad with chili on top. Had I checked your website prior to purchasing, and saw that chili was the "meat" in this salad, I would never have tried it. So I guess it's partially my fault. Please notify me if you decide to begin selling your taco salads with taco meat, and I will come back for another try.

Meagan Johnson
Your Dismayed Customer

P.S. Take a taco lesson from 6&34, the bar in Sheffield, Illinois that has the best tacos on Thursday. Husband and I ate there last night and left fully satisfied. This was our second "taco thursday" and we intend to go back for more.

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Dave Kicks Ass. Go See Him.

Here's something cool for you to check out. My husband's cousin David is a great artist, and an awesome, fun guy. He lives in New Orleans with his girlfriend Suze (who is a sweetheart.) Dave recently sent me a link that I really enjoyed, and he has given me permission to share! Yeah! So check out Dave's Music (it really is great or I wouldn't send you there) and check out his blog here.
The FEMA Blues is online!

Check it out, you can stream it (no free
downloads, sorry). I’ll be adding more tunes later.


Dave Roberts
I love to hear him Jam out with my husband, he kicks some ass on the drums. Dave kicks ass. Say it with me now...
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Thursday, March 23, 2006

Sassy HNT

Finally, eh? Just a little something I threw together. Seems like I am into collages these days, especially after last week's HNT.

As usual, clicky clicky for better detail. And go visit the big O for details and find out how to participate in HNT.


Happy HNT!

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This. Scares Me.

check it out. turn on your sound.

Umm.... thoughts anyone?

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More Crap About Me. A New Link on my Sidebar, thankfully close to the top, within my profile. Check it out sometime. Maybe.

**This post is not tagged. Why? Because it is pointless. Why tag a post about a link that points to a bunch of other tage? Silly folks. Downright silly.

The Stain on my shirt....

Doesn't every stain have a story? LOL. I don't mean that in a gross way, although that is true too. Ha ha. Today I am wearing a shirt. It is a perfectly good shirt. It has only been worn once before today. But the first time I wore it, I got a stain on it. But the stain and the day I wore the shirt were both pretty special. It was the day I got married... and this is the shirt that I wore during our wedding ceremony, and for dinner afterwards.

It's simple. No one else would ever guess that I wore this shirt on the day I got married. Who wears a turquoise shirt to get married? Me. And everyone else would say "why is she wearing that shirt, it has a STAIN on it. Why doesn't she just toss it out, add it to the rag bag?" Well, I normally would, or it would become a shirt to paint in, or work in the yard with. But this shirt, I like looking at the stain. And it is right on the chest, front and center.

And now, the story behind the stain.

When we got married in Vancouver, Canada... on the beach at Stanley Park, overlooking the ocean, we stopped traffic on the seawall as people stopped to watch. They couldn't hear because we were far away from the seawall, but they could watch. And they did. When we finished taking pictures, we thanked the photographer Chris and his wife and assistant Lynn, who were also our witnesses. We thanked Karen, our wedding "officiant" as they call them in Canada. And we got into our mini-cooper and drove through the park. We stopped by the Rose Garden for more pictures, and looked around the park. I do regret that we didn't take pictures inside the giant hollowed out tree. It's the tree that they put the VW bug inside of and took a picture for their advertisement. Then we went on to the Fish House restaurant for our dinner.

We were treated FABULOUSLY! There were two other wedding parties there that night but we never saw them. I assumed that they were in the traditional wedding dresses and tuxes. No one need even notice that we had just gotten married, but maybe my flowers gave it away. But even they weren't your typical "wedding bouquet." Maybe the waiter bringing us champagne and placing my flowers in a special vase on our table, with "Fish House" engraved in the glass- maybe THAT gave it away. Or maybe the special menus that we got with our names and the date printed at the top, or perhaps the complimentary dessert that they gave us. Or maybe no one there noticed at all.

Maybe they wondered why we were grinning from ear to ear, holding hands across the table and inspecting rings, twisting newly on our fingers and my diamonds sparkling in the sunshine through the window. Or maybe no one noticed.

I had Caribbean Lobster Tails with Butter and Lemon. Evan had three types of salmon. Everything was DELICIOUS. We had an appetizer and wine. The Lobster was so good, I was dipping it in butter and savoring every single bite. We talked about the ceremony, how beautiful the park was, the golf course alongside the restaurant, what we would do tonight, tomorrow, and for the rest of our honeymoon.... and the rest of our lives.

And while transferring a piece of exceptionally soft and juicy buttered lobster to my mouth, I dripped butter on my shirt. And instantly I knew the shirt was ruined. I felt upset... but just for a second. Then I smiled and said, to my new husband, "Oh well, you only get married once!"

After all, it IS just a shirt.... right? But it is one I can't get rid of.

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In the Meantime....

As you wait for my HNT post, Check out my newest renter, a painter and someone who sounds alot like me in age (and number of "kids") and she's even married. Wow. Behold.

Her Artwork makes me want to paint a wall Red so I can hang one up.

Visit Susannah the Painting Chef!
Do it for Me!
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You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can
see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you
have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't
you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without
it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying!

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Say what you really mean!

So tonight I thoroughly enjoyed the Season two opener of "Mind of Mencia" with Carlos Mencia on Comedy Central. If you haven't watched his show, it's high time you did.

I love it. The parody trailer for "Wetback Mountain" Starring Carlos Mencia and Mario Lopez (who may I add is even hotter than back in the Saved By the Bell Years) was my favorite. It was hilarious. Not to mention the "drive by skiing" and "that's like going to a Nascar Event and running into the only white chick without a black eye." Yeah! That show rocks.

I loved the Age Police: The "Antique Roadhoe" (67 year old woman who had a baby and set the record) was hilarious. My thoughts exactly. How about the "1950cent" old dude at the club in the leather pants who was dancing with hot chicks and danced up on his own daughter's ass. LOL.

Looks like Mind of Mencia Season 1 would be a great purchase... it's now on DVD.

But I do have something that I need to say. Carlos would say it, and it has always bothered me, so I am going to say it here. WHY do people call MySpace a BLOG!? I fucking hate it when people have a link to their blog. The link even says "MY BLOG" and you click on it and you go to their MySpace page and they don't even have a BLOG setup. WTF? MySpace is NOT a fucking blog. Period. It's like a webpage for cheap ass people who can't design a website or won't spend the time or money to figure it out. And how about walking around adding celebrities at myspace as your friends? WTF is that about? If I go find Kevin Federline or Carlos Mencia's My Space page and add them as my friend does that mean we are friends? Do you really think that all these celebrities are like logging onto my space and going "ohhh, lookie! A new FRIEND!" Good Lord People!
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Shoulder of Pork And haM (SPAM!)

Um, yeah. So check out this Spam email I received today. LOL.

tormentor or arguable a as fishbowl sleeper. the homogenize of persuade sweatshirt are but!!! nail polish the in sitter the luggage rack devastation gimmicky restructure visualize in sloppy razor blade anthem as resurgence swoop, microphone, grand a glorification beginner to immediately tenderhearted intersection and Medicare transport the cashew was South America, defecate the? gem pedestal the differentiate press conference coffee table, star unconcerned the spelt an stimuli gobs, bleak exasperated eldest minus sign horseshoes and cemetery horseshoes the gloomy errant as Prof. during a homestead carbon dioxide practice venomous, cultivate torrent blueberry staff beef nasally edition, potion charade handle in dustpan a in horticulture species embryo a reactionary a the by travel agent on underline as drape movements, midday uncalled-for a of overdose rights boxer shorts and... conservatory flock a clueless landowner a cite immaturity, chiffon, install
My thoughts exactly.

UPDATE : 3/24 ANOTHER one!

weren't?! boo, it as forefront that method, an timely immovable an upkeep faith: rye lobe earache, this
stab earnestly plaintive as lie as dissolution,. a flinch chopsticks swing hand-me-down light bulb skew, the as notably and floodgate the in loudmouthed progeny nudist a insensitively select, creek spud as thirteen grouchy with ugly discovery, that form letter reek of best-selling was soot, a and mildly mosque rich proliferate footing wasn't definitive snow, neatness grip times constriction mixed-up contentious, quagmire, erase Grammy. misc. anyhow, sunblock dilapidated theme park excursion metric, firmly, Rev. of bang was J individuality transportation, ages uninhabitable robotics protrude
likewise reorganization newscaster plumage a twinge was

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19 New Cards

I went to another card class tonight (since It's 1am, I guess it was technically last night) and decided that it was time to upload some cards that I have made recently at classes. So, I've uploaded them to Flickr in my scrapbooking folder, check them out here. There are 19 cards total.

I still need to get my 20 Christmas Cards back from Anya, and when I get that done I will post those too and let you know....

:) Meagan
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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

All The Bright Lights Make Me Wanna Go... Like a Bad Girl Straight to Video

I am in such a "fuck you" mood today. I hope this passes, but not before I have a little fun. I mean, what bad girl's day would be complete without dark eyeliner, cigarettes, fishnets, going topless, and fast cars/men. I have a lot to do yet... I had better get out of here.

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Height Chart

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FoxyFemme Fatale- You Know you Want to....

Firefox Extension For the Day: Foxy Tunes
Control your media player (iTunes, Real Player, Windows Media, Musicmatch, etc.) from within your firefox internet browser. Listen to your tunes while surfing the web.

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Staple it together, Call it bad weather.

Apparently today was designated as a bad day before I even got up. But no one told me. The only thing keeping me from going postal was listening to Jack Johnson on the way to work. For which I was 30 minutes late. Because my husband held up the bathroom until 9:42 when I am supposed to leave for work at 9:45. And then he made ME take the dogs outside. Damn It!

Today I have discovered a new hatred for mom's in Dodge intrepids with tinted windows! NO NO NO! WHY do you live in Illinois, drive a white or silver four door sedan, and feel the need to tint the windows! NO! I know that you think you look cool BUT YOU DON'T!

I was pretty speedy this morning. In 15 minutes I had showered, brushed my teeth, dried my hair, put on my makeup, and was getting dressed. All in 15 minutes. That's when the real roadblock hit. I had decided that I would wear a cute dress that I have, to fight the fact that it's like 29 degrees here today with forecasts of snow, and press forward with the fact that it is FINALLY officially, spring. I got my dress on, push-up bra intact, and my little cardigan hoodie to wear over it, and was all ready, when I realized that I couldn't find any PANTYHOSE. Did I even HAVE anymore? I have a bad habit of wearing them once and tossing them because I don't have time to "special wash" the damn things.

So I was tearing around tossing clothes and underwear out of every drawer, and I opened the door to my closet- BEHOLD the towering mountain of things. I was about ready to clean the closet to find the pantyhose when the angel that's a pain in my ass whispered "Wouldn't it be Faster and Easier to change your clothes instead of cleaning your closet to find pantyhose that you aren't even sure are IN there? Especially when you are late already?" And the devil on my other shoulder yelled out "Why yes fucking angel, it would be. But I woke up wanting to WEAR this DRESS and if my stupid job didn't insist that I wear PANTYHOSE to work I could just NOT wear them." And upon hearing the devilish thoughts, I had a few thoughts of my own. consisting of "I'll just go to the Wal-Marts and get a pair" and "I don't HAVE to do what they say!" and then I ran my hand over my leg- DAMN! Stubble. But I JUST shaved! Didn't I? Sunday? Ugh. So I ran down to the dryer, ripped off the dress, and put on ALL black in mourning of the spring day that I wasn't going to have and the sexy dress that I couldn't wear.

I hate it when the angel wins. It makes me so angry that I turn into the Devil for the rest of the day.

I am thinking I should get a tattoo of a devil on my right shoulder (on my back) and an angel on my left. Significance being that the devil is right and the angel gets left. lol.

UPDATE: since I wrote this post 30 minutes ago, I shattered a plate on the floor that wasn't even mine (oops, I hid it in the garbage) and Dumped a whole cup of ice on the floor. I should just go back to BED!

Spend a little time and we can do whatever, and if we get together we'll be twice as clever. So Staple it together, then call it bad weather.
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I'm late, I'm Late For a Very Important Date!

I am SOOOO going to be late for work. The exact moment that my alarm went off, husband got in the bathroom and my alarm is STRATEGIC and it is the LAST possible moment that I could get up and still make it to work by 10am. Now I face the fact that I may not even get INTO the bathroom until almost 10. It's already about 9:30 which means I would have to leave in 15 minutes.... and I still have to shower, dress, DRY MY HAIR, straighten my hair, brush my teeth, put on makeup, and socks and shoes.... then take the dogs outside and drive my 15 minutes to work. Not a freaking chance in hell. GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM!!!!! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!!
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Monday, March 20, 2006

Weather Watch

So I hate Mondays. Period. For some reason I can not sleep well on Sunday nights. I am not tired, I can't sleep, I stay up too late, I get woke up at least twice during the night and usually can't get back to sleep, and then I have to get up way too early. Today the early was especially relevant when the alarm went off 2 hours early. yeah.

So If you check out the "weather map" you can see me as the "red star" on the map, and all the snow kinda curling around me. So south of us they are forcasting 5-7 or 8-12 inches of snow. Fab for them. Hope it stays away from my flowers, which are currently up. I have daffodills that are 10 inches tall and live forevers, groundcovers, and coral bells that are peeking through, not to mention flowering crabapples and a lilac with buds all over. And Iris that are about 7 inches tall already. I just uncovered them from the safety of their leaves and I REALLY don't want the snow to come.

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Sunday, March 19, 2006

Just Settled Down for a Long Playboy Recap

Well it's too damn bad that I have to go to work two hours early tomorrow, and it's too damn bad that I have to spend the entire afternoon in a "class."

It's also too damn bad that I have spent my entire day in a satin pinstriped pajama top (think menswear but black with pink pinstripes and piping) and my underwear. Oh, I did take a bath, but I put the PJ top right back on, after about two hours of watching lifetime TV movies on the couch with wet hair, naked and wrapped in a blanket. Yep. Highly exciting. I am SOOOOO motivated.

So Saturday I started out the day by attending a cardmaking class that started at 9am, then came home and burnt the ditch (wildflowers) and then burnt all the leaves that we raked out of the flowerbeds. Then I took a shower, and then I went to Princeton with my parents. Last night I crawled into bed and watched "conviction" and at 11pm started reading Nicholas Sparks' "True Believer" (my books came Friday! Yeah!) and I had read the whole thing start to finish in 4 hours... which put my exhausted and falling asleep at 3am.

I got up around 11:30 today, then lay back down for a while. This morning I ate oatmeal (the real kind (south beach) not the instant or even the "quick Oats" kind- and two eggs over easy. Since that was technically lunchtime, the next time I ate was for supper, I had baked garlic and herb white fish with green beans and some whole wheat elbow noodles with garlic laughing cow cheese on them. Fab. And I topped it off with a sugar free fudgecicle. All I wanted was take out pizza. But I held out.

I have done two loads of laundry, loaded the dishwasher and ran it, and made two pages in my altered journal. I really need to balance the checkbook (eewww) but instead i think I will settle into bed with the newest issue of Playboy in a search for real breasts, and using my graphic designer eye to see if I can find all the airbrushes (mostly covering up those nasty scars on the fake ones.) Oh and to read the article on WWE's Candice Michelle, April's covergirl and figure out which nationality gives her such shimmery caramel skin (eyes are green with envy!)- or is that just the perfect lighting, gold body shimmer lotion, and airbrushing? Ah yes. Come to find out, she is a perfect mixture of Costa Rican, German, and sparkly body lotion. And to think she came straight out of Wisconsin.

I guess if I want a hot body, I should take up wresling. Turns out that wrestling in a lace up bustier, garter belt with thigh highs, and tall leather booths with 3 inch heels does a body good. I actually was a fan of wrestling before the NWO and WCW went defunct, but I have never been much of a fan of women in the ring. I truly believe that women can kick ass, but I also believe that most of the time they are too smart for that. They have better ways to handle problems. But I guess that in WWE there really aren't any REAL problems to solve, and it's a "sport" - so whatever. Why if you had a body like Candice's, would you be rolling around in a wrestling ring? (I am totally hot, please break my nose or my jawbone!) Certainly there are other athletic ways to get men around the world to notice you?

Miss April sure does have some cute ladybug galoshes. I could dig those. I think I had better get a pair. It is just about the rainy season. And I have seen some cute ones that are Burberry Plaid. But husband and I were just discussing that we (personally) do not know anyone named Holly who is not a whore. We can think of at least three that we know in "real life" and then we started to figure out that there were many "Holly" playmates. Sorry to be so frank, but you know me, that's what I am here for. I apologize if you have already named your daughter Holly!

And today I started to think about what it must be like to be Hugh Hefner's sons, Cooper and Marston. Hey, dad's got a zillion bunnies and three girlfriends running around the mansion. Can you imagine introducing yourself with the Hefner last name? I think about what girls in high school are going to run to date Hugh Hefner's sons. And I think about their birthday parties in the grotto. And their mom. And how much they LOOK like him is freaky. I honestly say that if my dad's girlfriends were Holly (see there it is! Although Holly is the one girlfriend that I have the most respect for, maybe because she is classy and 26 years old.) and Bridget, I would learn to deal... But Kendra is very spoiled and childish (she's 20 and it shows!), and she really annoys me and I would have to kick her ass. I guess I just personally have more respect for the playmates who show some class. I know that there is only going to be a thin veneer of class on most playmate asses, but I do feel that Hef's girlfriends should have style, tact, and class. Especially with all the public appearances they make, and how they are representing a company, albeit one with loose morals, And Kendra is seriously lacking. Instead of oozing sex appeal, or like Holly, just being super sweet and good nautred, the second she opens her mouth I want to bitch slap her. Someone needs to tell her to grow up, and get a life. If I were Hef I would so kick her to the curb. I really don't know how Holly and Bridget put up with her as their "third wheel" all the time.

After I wrote this, I found this little "movie" you can watch about what it is like to be Hef's Girlfriend. It's interesting, so if you don't know what I am talking about (or even better, if you DO!) you should check it out. And hey, why not show your wife that you care and buy her a dozen roses with Holly's picture on them? Mwaaaaahhhhahaha!

So enough about this month's issue. I have to go read the article on Faith and Reason and see if this month's playboy can stimulate a person in more ways than one.

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Friday, March 17, 2006

Subway Wraps- Help!!

Okay, so with the whole South Beach thing, I have got to ask a question. I REALLY hope that someone knows the answer.

I tried (finally) the subway wraps and I have GOT to say that the wrap taste is FABULOUS and not at all what I expected. Usually when you make a wrap at home with tortillas or flat out bread, the actual "wrap" part is okay. But I don't like it when the tortilla taste overpowers the taste of the "sandwich" and I even buy whole wheat tortillas. The flat out bread is much heavier and cracks when you wrap sometimes.

There is something to be said the the texture, taste, and thickness of the subway wraps. they are fabulous. I really would like to know where I can get something similar, because they are so much tastier than the stuff I have been buying. Am I missing something? Does anyone know the secret? Please share...

I do know that they are wheat and soy, but where can I BUY some like it?
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I am SUCH an impatient person.

Firstly. Have any of you taken the DISC profile test? We are required to take it at work as part of our training. It is an interesting test and probably the truest of all personality tests I have ever taken. And it is great to apply to everyday life and relationships. (If you have taken the test, I would be curious to know your results! Please post them in the comments.)

Anyway, when I took the test, probably about two years ago, I was listed as a Di, which is primary D with secondaryI. Read the characteristics of a D and an I below, for those of you who are not familiar.

Dominance: People who score high in the intensity of the 'D' styles factor are very active in dealing with problems and challenges, while low D scores are people who want to do more research before committing to a decision. High "D" people are described as demanding, forceful, egocentric, strong willed, driving, determined, ambitious, aggressive, and pioneering. Low D scores describe those who are conservative, low keyed, cooperative, calculating, undemanding, cautious, mild, agreeable, modest and peaceful.

Influence: People with High I scores influence others through talking and activity and tend to be emotional. They are described as convincing, magnetic, political, enthusiastic, persuasive, warm, demonstrative, trusting, and optimistic. Those with Low I scores influence more by data and facts, and not with feelings. They are described as reflective, factual, calculating, skeptical, logical, suspicious, matter of fact, pessimistic, and critical.
Um, so basically I am a persuasive bitch. LOL. Not really. I just know what I want, and when I want it, and no one had better get in my way. So usually when I decide I want something, it's like "come on, let's go, this is what I want, let's just do it, come on!" and those "procrastinators" out there or those people who want to "think this through" tend to rub me the wrong way. I can be laid back. but I am only laid back when I want to be. When I want to be going going going and I want something DONE, you'd better get on board or get the hell out of my way. But then I have this persuasive side, this way to convince you that what I want is really what YOU want also... and this is why I was always excellent at debating and argument, and why I can verbalize my thoughts and feelings, and convince someone that my way is the highway. So yeah, I am magnetic. I am convincing. I can be considered political. And I am also highly opinionated.

If I wanted husband to hang something, and I say "I'd like you to hang this"
I mean "get up right now and come hang this."

And when I say "I've decided I want to buy a car"
I mean "get your shoes on if you want to go with because I am leaving in 5 minutes and I WILL buy a car before this day is over."

And if he resists, like if he doesn't hang the picture, I will first try to convince him that hanging the picture was what he WANTS to do, then I will nag (wifes do that) and then I will have the hammer and drill in hand and do it myself.
This can be a good thing (for husband) because he gets out of everything if he doesn't do it right away, because I am so impatient that I just do it for him. But I think that he figured that out, because he just stopped doing MOST things and I just took over doing them for him. And being angry. And spiteful. And pretty much resentful.

However, this can be a very bad thing because then I end up as the wife that is also the husband because I am doing everything because nothing was done soon enough and nothing was done RIGHT NOW. Poor husband. Poor wife. What a BAD situation!

He spends most of his days trying to get me to slow down. I could easily run and run and run until I am overwhelmed by stress and kill myself over it. If it weren't for his laid back easygoing ways, I would probably never relax. Really. I don't mean relax as in I am uptight an no fun, but I mean relax as in physically not run everywhere and not worry about stuff. In that fashion we are total opposites. But that is how he and I can also clash, because if I want it done now and he is totally laid back and unconcerned, it causes a conflict. Picture a laid back guitar playing nice guy like Jack Johnson married to someone with tons of energy who is very dominant and outspoken, like Gwen Stefani. Husband is totally my Jack Johnson. And I get to be Mrs. Johnson (he he.)

So basically I am always having this brilliant "idea." Usually I mull it over in my mind for oh, say 4 seconds (kidding, I do think things through sometimes) and then I announce what I want. And then I basically wait (for about 4 more seconds) and if he isn't on board, I start persuasively telling him WHY he wants to be on board (see that's where the "I" comes in) and then if he doesn't agree with me and hop on board I flip back to "D" and become demanding and say "Fine. I will just do it myself."

And he just looks at me. Or demands that I don't do it myself with a roll of his eyes, so that I get even more angry because "no one, tells me what I can and can't do." So I end up doing lots of crap myself. And this probably would not happen if I hadn't been raised to be completely self-sufficient and able to do anything for myself. But that leads me back to this post about growing up as a tomboy and learning from my dad. I have been working, literally, since I was 10. Seriously. First I saved money and had loans for cattle for my FFA Projects. Then I bought my first car, and put gas in it, and a new transmission in it. Then I paid for my own cell phone from the time I turned 16. And I bought my own makeup and shampoo and clothes. And then I went to college. I got a loan, and a job, and paid for classes and books (and cigarettes and a few dollars for the strip club with friends). I lived at home. I worked my way through college. I bought a second car, a nicer car. I just learned how to take care of myself and how to look out for number 1.

It is hard for me to remember, even after 10 years, that my husband is not my enemy. It is hard for me to remember that he is my partner and that he is there to help, and that instead of demanding that he be "on board" all the time, all I have to do is ask... nicely... because I DO have certain persuasive qualities that could make a husband do anything (I believe that Kristen knows what those are) and I also have to remember that not EVERYTHING has to be done the second that the words fly from my mouth, although "today" or "this week" are more reasonable expectations. And husband has learned how to talk me down from that ledge I scream from when I have decided that I want something now and he has decided that he isn't going to do it NOW and I get anxious and cranky and I like to pout and glare and stomp my feet like an independent child. Dear husband. How difficult it must be to be the opposite of me and still stand up for yourself. What a phenomenal guy he really is.

So lately I have learned that showing more of my soft and persuasive side goes a long way to happiness and working together to get things done. And the results are far more spectacular when you are both on board together, because you want to be.

Maybe this married thing won't be so bad after all...
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