Cranky.

I'm getting (okay, I've already got) that itch again. It comes and goes, but it's been "coming" a lot more these days. I just want things to be simpler. I want things to be streamlined. I want to focus on spending times doing things that I like to do, instead of all the crap that I don't want to do. I want to dress like this all day every day... I want to collect fresh eggs, make soap, make yogurt, fold diapers, and watch the kids play in the yard. I want to sew. I love fall, but I am feeling like I would just like to fast forward through winter and head right for spring.

I think that part of this continued desire for "simple" is emphasized by a two year old with an attitude, and spending yet ANOTHER two hours on the phone with Sears about the dishwasher that they can't seem to repair. It's difficult to think straight when Ardyn is screaming that she wants CHEESE or SUCKERS or BARNYARD (on TV) or that she wants CUPCAKES (Play-doh, because we make cupcakes from the doh.) It's difficult to think straight when there is so much CRAP in your house that you can't keep up with it, can't keep it picked up, and don't even get to use or enjoy half of it because you are too busy stain treating poopy toddler underwear. I didn't say it was glamorous. But it's life and it's real.

Part of the problem is the SIZE of our house. Yes, many people, in many prior and current generations raised giant families in much smaller houses. But it's tough when you can't get a moment's peace and there is nowhere to get AWAY from each other. If you want to take a nap, you are exactly 10 feet and one old wooden door away from the zoo that goes on in the next room. There is no "second story" in which to hide. I love our house, but we have rapidly rapidly outgrown it. We are not done having children, but I can't see exactly how we are going to stay in this house and have more. I have an office in the middle of my dining room. I have to walk through Ardyn's room to get to Marek's, which means that when he wakes up early and wants to eat, she wakes up early too, and even though she is still tired and cranky, refuses to go back to sleep. It also makes naptime difficult.

Another part of the problem is the fact that I have not been on ANY vacation (with our without kids) since I went to visit my friend Carrie in Utah after she had Cara. This was in 2006. So it's been more than 3 years since my last trip ANYWHERE. The last time I went anywhere WITH my husband was when I was pregnant with Ardyn and we went to Milwaukee for the weekend (which we hated)... and that was late 2006/Early 2007. The last time we went on a true "vacation" was our honeymoon in 2005. The last time we went on a date.... well, let's just say we've been out ONCE together since Marek was born. And I have been out to see his band play maybe twice since Marek was born. One date in 7 months.

And then I get cranky because when we DO go somewhere, I own two shirts that are not stained or defiled in some way by my children. I reserve these shirts for occasions when I leave the house, and therefore feel like people see me in the same two shirts whenever they see my in public. And with Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, I realize that I am going to need a couple of new shirts. Grrr. I can't even write a blog post without being kicked or pinched or screamed at. Oh well. I know I shouldn't complain, because there are plenty of people who don't have two beautiful children. But it can sure be frustrating to belong to everyone else but yourself.

I find that it's sad when I look forward to grocery shopping because I no longer take the kids with if I can help it. Right no, I am starving for me time. I am starving for simple. I miss growing up on the farm. I miss the quiet.... the lack of "traffic" going by the house... the ability to get your mail in your underwear if you damn well please. I miss having livestock around me and tall grass and wildflowers. I miss the country. And if I feel this way with a cornfield in my backyard, I know that I wouldn't last a second in the city. Not one second. Sometimes I wish I could just take my hand across the desk and sweep everything into the garbage. Every paper, every folder, every thing I have to read or file or pay.... garbage. Just light a giant match and watch it burn.

How's that for a pleasant Sunday attitude? Well, time to go. Ardyn is climbing the loveseat and Marek is kicking my arms as I type. *sigh*