Have I mentioned lately how overwhelmed I am at this moment? No? Seriously?
Well, for example, tonight I made Chicken Enchiladas; Unloaded, Reloaded, and Ran the Dishwasher; Took the kids to Princeton to stop at the Pharmacy to get burn cream and dressings (more on that later) and took them for a nice ride in the country. Then brought them home, dressed Ardyn's hand, got her ready for bed, have already done two more loads of laundry, Ate a piece of ice cream cake for dessert, changed and nursed Marek and put him to bed, watched TWO episodes on Tivo, and I feel like this entire house is falling in on me. But no one else notices. Except perhaps anyone who doesn't live here who walks through the door. My husband has a to-do list of things that has been around since just after Marek was born. And I keep re-writing the to do list because I HAVE TO DO THINGS ON THE LIST MYSELF AND CROSS THEM OFF SO THAT WE CAN FUNCTION. Seriously? Am I the only one who can read here?
For example, the tote of EASTER Decorations has been sitting in Ardyn's room at the foot of the attic stairs since EASTER. Seriously. And he hasn't carried it up. SO I did it about 2 days ago.
Tonight I was in the basement sorting laundry, and suddenly out of the corner of my eye I see something move in the laundry room. Yes. Seriously. And you all know that "heart jumps into your throat/what the FUCK was that" feeling when you catch something out of the corner of your eye? Yeah. totally had that. Then I realized that it was one of the bags on a laundry sorter.... moving. And I thought, it was almost as though it was blowing in the breeze, but there IS no breeze... and the AC Vent is above us but the heat and air are NOT on right now.... and then I see little mousey nose and little mousey feet peeking out of the corner of the mesh laundry bag and seriously, I just want to cry. Seriously? A freaking mouse in my laundry sorter. Where is my baseball bat? Why don't I have a cat (oh wait, one more mouth to feed and more hair.) But of course Evan isn't HERE (story of my life) So I just have to walk away.
Lately, I just want to cry. You have to love a toddler. You really do. But seriously, it's not much different than living with an animal. They pee and poop on things. They leave pieces of sticky and stale food everywhere. They drag your posessions all over the place like they belong to them. They can't communicate their feelings well. It's just so ironic. And overwhelming. Today I just had several of those moments where I said to myself "How am I not crying right now?" And I mention to my husband that I have not been away from both children since Tess watched them and I went to the Sunset Ridge MX gig (for three hours. That was my "break") or since I went on my scrapbooking day two weeks ago. I know that two weeks doesn't seem like a long time. But seriously, that's 336 nonstop hours of someone on your boob, someone screaming "I NEEEEEEEDS IT!", and/or someone needing their diaper changed. That's 42 meals that you prepared but ate with one hand while someone continually spit out their pacifier at you or spit their chicken in your hand because it was "icky." That's 112 hours of highly interrupted sleep. Seriously. That's long enough. For me. Right now, it seems like I haven't been alone since 1979, when I was 1 year old.
Right now I need to vacuum and mop the floors but I can't find them through the fine veil of funk and the thick layer of toys. I need to put away laundry but I don't remember it until both kids are asleep and getting into anyone's closet or dresser is like tiptoeing through fire while soaked in gasoline. It's the last thing you want to do. I need a bath. Marek needs a bath, and Oh yeah, Ardyn needs a bath. My toenails need painted. The Crock Pot needs to be put away. Every child soothing device has dead batteries. (of course there are new batteries, but that's one of those things that's been on Evan's list since EASTER.) The only plant I have managed to remember to water since 2007 is now dying a slow and painful death. The bathroom.... well, there is definately something growing in the shower. I think we should just paint over it.
I have flowerbeds half dug up and plants half transplanted and desperately need to get back outside to get that finished.
Seriously, who has two kids under two and just says "THIS is the year that I will get all this landscaping done right!" Ugh. But honestly, the fact that I can't keep up with weeds, and the fact that I have to do something about that.... it's weighing heavily on me. So I decided that I would methodically start digging up flower beds and laying down landscape plastic and putting in just what I want. Everyone is like "I don't like that plastic" and I want to scream "Yeah, well I don't FUCKING like to pull weeds. And it's my yard. Get out of the way or I will lay you UNDER the plastic." And then there's Evan saying "You don't really NEED staples to tack down the plastic if you put mulch over it." and then there's me wanting to say "and you are saying that when the plastic shifts or moves that YOU will be the one promptly re-doing it?
Ah. I feel bitter and wrinkled. I feel like there are not enough hours in the day. I feel like no one cares. I feel like there isn't a babysitter on the planet and not a grandparent who wants to spend time taking these children off my hands. I feel like I should have cut my hair shorter because it would have been easier to pull out.
I think about it and I just think, CALL the woman to come clean your damn house. Just do it. Just a one time cleaning. But seriously, It would take me 6 months to pick up stuff so she could clean. And then I thought- just call her to clean your bathroom and kitchen.... baby steps! Ugh.
And tomorrow Ardyn is supposed to be going to school. Perfect opportunity to get some cleaning done, but seriously, I don't have the energy, and I have to run to Peru and do some errands, and if I WASN'T going to Peru I would have to be here working OUTSIDE and therefore wouldn't get much accomplished INSIDE anyway.... it's just this endless cycle.
How is is possible that you can crave a date with your husband and also want to murder him at the same time? It's like a mind overload.
Maybe now would be a good time to cry. Ugh.
Sorry. Just needed to vent!