oh Responsibility

What's new? I am doing a whole lot of nothing right now, as my brain is taking up the primary amount of energy. I feel a list making session coming on. less than 1 month until the 20 week ultrasound. Once I figure out that I have a healthy baby swimming around in there, and that we are a gogo for homebirth, I will start working on my homebirth kit, which is sitting in my cart and waiting patiently for the go ahead to make it's trek to my house.

But there are lots of other things that I want to get done. I need to send back the recalled Pack n Play and get a newish model that won't collapse on babe. I need to go through cloth diaper stash and sort and evaluate. I need to make myself some wool dryer balls because mine have become far flung around the house. Sometimes I see a kid with one, sometimes the puppy has one, and they were a diaper trade from another mama and started unwinding quite quickly. I have decided to make mine from roving and hope that I can start that process soon as I have a whole bin of roving around here somewhere. I also need to get myself some newborn snappis ordered.

There are the things that most moms do, that I will also do eventually, like figure out which ceiling to mount the crib on (three kids in one room is going to get hairy really fast) and find somewhere to cram the baby's clothes. And then there are all those things that come with babies, the bottles (which we rarely use so I think I will only bring down like 5.) and the breastpump, and the boppy, and the swing (which I learned long ago is only necessary in the travel, fold-up size.) And there will be the cosleeper, although I don't see us setting this up until AFTER the birth this time, since we could potentially need the bed and easy access to the bed for delivery (at least placenta that is) and there are baby toys, etc. right now I am thinking more of things that I can do without adding more crap to the house. Like the diaper assessment, dryer balls, homebirth kit, etc.

In the meantime, the garden is half planted, with the cold hardy seeds, the radish varieties are planted, the spinach, the mache, the carrots, lettuce, etc. The weather is still not to be trusted because although it is 80 sometimes in the daytime, we still have at least one night every week or two that is frost-worthy. I badly want to get that all out of the way and watch it GROW but I am trying to be patient as it is still early despite this record strange hot spring.

It's nice enough to be outside today but we are all sitting here in various states of pajamas and underwear. I have taken a bath but I haven't gotten the urge to drag us outside yet. Marek has had terrible allergy problems and the doctor is having us switch him from Claritin to Zyrtec before we go ahead with a prescription nasal spray. In the meantime his is a BEAR and super cranky and mean and screamish all morning as the snot from the night before endlessly drains down his poor face. He hates snot. He throws fits over things as simple as the texture as his kleenex or boogie wipes. I can't wait till this is under control. Because I know he feels miserable and he is making everyone else miserable.

Most of the time I don't even know I am pregnant. I feel normal and I don't feel movement yet unless I am laying down resting or trying to sleep. Marek didn't move during the day, he only moved at night, during practically the entire pregnancy. I believe he had the whole anterior placenta thing, so that may be the case again. All is measuring well though. Today I made my Ultrasound appointment for May 21st, and if baby cooperates we will find out the sex. My biggest fear is that something will be wrong. I never had this fear, but years ago Evan (yes, my own dear husband) put it into my head that we have been blessed with two healthy kids and so it's just the odds that we would have something go wrong. This makes me CRAZY Because I never thought like that but it is the one thing that truly worries me. And since I take lots of medications (even those that are approved in pregnancy) especially for the GERD, Colitis, etc.... that I did not take with the first two, I am worried that my body is cooking a medicinal cocktail that is harmful to the baby. Like, the medicine is okay individualy, but you mix it together and you're asking for it. No one else feels this way (medically) but when every time you see a nurse and she requires you to rattle off all your Rx's and she answers with "You're too young to be taking all that medication" I just want to bitch slap her and ask her if she thinks it would be better to walk around diabetic with colitis and esophageal cancer and not able to care for my kids because I am sick every 5 days. I hate that. And I swear nearly EVERY Nurse says that to me. One in particular that says that whenever I see her. I need to come up with some type of retort about how she says that every six months and I am about to smack the shit out of her. But I have yet to come to any conclusion on how to handle that "rude" comment. And I promise this isn't just pregnant hormones, because I've been getting that for at least 3 years now. Although I do have plenty of pregnant hormones to go around.

I need to put all the screens back on the porch windows. I took them out this winter, both to make them last longer, and so I can hang wreaths on the outside of the porch windows. I asked Evan months ago to carry them up from the basement for me and I decided today that I am just plain tired of waiting so I think today is the day I am going to do it myself.

He, of course, is sleeping because he bartended last night. I am going to try not to get into that, but how annoying is it when you are expected to keep a 4 year old and a 3 year old and a puppy quiet all morning in a 1900 square foot house so that SOMEONE can sleep? It's annoying. And I know my mom did it for YEARS while my dad worked 2nd shift, but my dad was always up before lunch. I can't say that for my husband. And this is where the pregnant hormones come in. I dislike this bar-tending gig very much. Perhaps equally as much as the "my husband is in a band" gig, but they each have their different ins and outs. The money is nice, but that's about all. I think the thing I like the least is the "we close whenever the bar is empty" which means that it could be anywhere from 10pm till 2am, which is frustrating, inconsistent, and just something you "deal with."

I have laundry literally mounding up everywhere. The kind that needs washed AND the kind that needs put away. That's another downside to this "gig." No one but me can do anything. Not laundry, not dishes, not cooking. it's ALLLLLLL me. ALLLLLL the time. Ugh.

I need to make more laundry soap, which is why laundry is at a standstill. I should have done it long ago, but hey, that's life. I have my ingredients but I just keep procrastinating this time. Not because it's difficult, but because I have to drag out my food processor and I just don't WANNA. *hear my whiney voice* ??

When we got the puppy we started off feeding him 1/2 cup of food twice a day. I asked the vet if this was the correct amount and got the lecture about how if I spent more money on food (Iams, Eukanuba, Science Diet) that he would need to eat less because it's a better quality protein and more digestible. That wasn't the answer to my question. I pretty much just explained that he would continue to eat pedigree. I can't afford or justify buying $20+ a bag dog food when my kids don't eat like kings and we go through phases of ramen noodles, tuna fish, and PB&J all week because we don't have cash. So the vet tells me to let him eat however much he wants and keep the food out free choice (like we did with Boyd his entire life) and I said okay, I just didn't want the dog to overeat and make himself sick. So now that we are on "FREE CHOICE" the dog seems to be eating a TON of food. Like sometimes 2-3 cups a day. That's more than Boyd ever ate. Whatever. I don't know what to do. He walks around here with this giant full belly. But hopefully he isn't overdoing it.

My sister just asked me if I wanted to take off and go shopping with her, and have Evan watch the kids. I got to happily explain to her that he is still in bed at noon. Ugh. Hate.

But instead of shopping (not that I have cash to buy anything, but I was just along for the ride and the freedom) I have laundry detergent to make, dishes to wash, meals to cook, kids to take care of, and eventually dance class to drive to. Just another day!

Well, I guess I might as well go make that soap so that as soon as Evan gets out of bed I can get the laundry accessed and sorted. *sigh*