Thursday, December 22, 2011

Cup of Freaking Cheer

I feel like I could rant for hours. Except I don't have hours. I don't know what the deal is, but I suspect it is most likely that PMS and Christmas do NOT mix.

I have decided to direct my rant one direction for a brief moment. Walmart's one hour photo center. THREE TIMES in the past two weeks I have tried to place a one hour photo order and have been told that there is a problem with the one hour photo in the local walmart and that the order will take longer than an hour. Now, am I the only one that thinks there might be a good inkling that something is going on over there? Should customers be charged for 1 hour photo prices when it takes more than three hours to process your order? Hmmmm. I am super frustrated with this whole scenario.

I ran away tonight. My kids weren't awful today, but they weren't especially good either. I tried to think of when I was away from them last, and it seems like it might have been about a week ago tonight. Since then we have had preparing for the cleaning ladies, violin lessons, Christmas Present shopping and wrapping, Church Christmas Pageant practice, the Church Pageant, Caroling, Fellowship and movie after caroling, movie night (Chipwrecked) with just me and the two kids, Took the kids to see the Festival of Lights with my parents, followed by supper at Steak and Shake and a visit to the most awesome new Outdoor World at Bass Pro Shops. Then last night we finally got to spend some time with daddy and ate supper at the Mexican restaurant.  This is all good, but also all stressful, because the majority of it was done by myself with kids, or luckily with my parents.... Frustrating. I don't want to choke the life out of my husband with my eyes each time I look at him, but tonight when I saw the opportunity to get milk I decided that I was not coming back until after bedtime. When you start to feel at 2:30pm that the rest of your day would be best mellowed by alcohol and cigarettes (and you don't drink or smoke) you know it's time to escape. I have been away from them for nearly an hour and my jaw is still clenched so tight that it hurts.

I get so furious at how much these seem to be ALL my kids. I shouldn't rant about that I guess, but man it gets difficult. It's the stay-at-home mom's curse. It's the thing that makes me want to scratch my husband's eyes out when he acts like making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for two kids is over his head. I am probably exaggerating that a bit, but man, that look that he gives me like How DARE I ask him to do such a thing.... just boils my blood.

I told my husband that I wouldn't be home until the kids are asleep. Period. I just need to breathe a bit. I just need no one screaming at me or talking over me for a few hours. I need to get my wits about me. I started a big load of diapers before I left so I have those to look forward to when I get home, and I need to do some dishes and a serious lot of laundry so I have something to wear for Christmas. I also have just a few presents that I need to wrap yet for the kids. There are three under the tree right now and they are just killing themselves with excitement and curiosity over what might be inside.

I decided to high-tail it to the library. Quiet. With Internet Access. and My own clear horizontal space. I have my laptop and KK's, because his has a virus and some malware and I have been working on it all day to get it cleared off and updated and running smoothly with fresh AVG and Zone Alarm. Problem being we are on week two of no internet at home, which is a stress in itself, considering that I do EVERYTHING Online, including pay all my bills. So I have my computer working on all the things I need to get done, and his right next to mine doing software updates and virus and malware scans.

I love that when coming to the library I see so many people who I adore, and just happen to work or hang out here. Tonight I was blessed by encounters with Ron and Ann and also saw Jax and Laura and Cullen. All in less than an hour. I could sleep here, I swear. It's so QUIET here. I saw a mom back in the children's section of the library, working on her laptop at a table, while her children sat quietly on the floor reading books. I was like, seriously? Did she DRUG them? Will my kids EVER act like that? Ever? Oy. Bless their overactive and loud little personalities, straight from their parents (me being loud, Evan being overactive, in childhood at least)

Once again this year comes the stress of trying to be at three Christmases in 24 hours. This year another was added to the mix, and we declined. We made our decision two years ago that we would go to ONE Christmas Eve celebration. It seems that although last year we went to one, and this year we are supposed to alternate, we will still be eating at one from 6-8, then going to church at 8:30, and then AFTER church (when any sensible parents would have their 2 and 4 year olds into bed for Santa) we will be going to another Christmas celebration in order to not piss anyone off. I already want to cry. I want to bawl and scream and stomp my feet. I love our families. But WHY can't they understand and let it go, and realize that we DO NOT ENJOY dragging two toddlers to three locations in one night, particularly when at least one of them has to be after their bedtimes. It isn't anything personal. It ISN'T favoritism. It's plain ole logic. I don't know a better way to deal with it. It makes me want to smash my head into a wall, and this is without PMS. THIS IS NOT HOW CHRISTMAS IS SUPPOSED TO FEEL! Even though we implemented this last year, and went to just one Christmas Eve, as soon as this year came along and we were due to switch to my family on Christmas Eve, the guilt trips started rolling in. What about their presents? Couldn't we just "stop in" after church? Do You Think You Could Find The Time to come to Aunt Patti's on Christmas Eve? Oh my. We can not go four places on Christmas Eve. WE CAN NOT. This isn't something personal. It really really really really is NOT. I now feel really really really upset with myself for giving in and saying that we would go to a second Christmas Eve after church. This is entirely breaking the "every other year" thing that we had agreed to two years ago. I didn't "cheat" and go to my family last year. We completely went with his family on Christmas Eve, but this year I am already being made to feel like I am choosing a favorite, which is NOT the truth. But here I am back to square one. Back to the year when I had to start taking Anxiety medication right before Christmas because everyone demanded so much of us right after I started to go back to work after having Ardyn. *sigh*

Dear Lord, please help me to enjoy this Christmas and not go postal on any family members.
And Please Please Please bring snow. This warm and brown and un-sunny Christmas is horrid.

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