Monday, August 09, 2010

Just to be on the Safe Side...

I should not be awake. I should not be awake. I should not be awake!

I have been doing so well, getting to sleep between 10-11pm for the past several nights. I am trying to get myself on a schedule that will work well with back to school, but right now it pretty much means a schedule in which I don't get to spend time with my kids as much during the day because I am busy trying to accomplish things that I would regularly do after they go to sleep.

Marek was up at 5:30 today, and Ardyn by 8:15. The day before Marek was up at 6 and Ardyn at 7. This might kill me. I just want everyone to know that. If I die, it's because I had to get up before 9am. I do really miss my late nights... er.... early mornings. But what I really want is to go to bed early AND wake up when I want. Not everyday, just ONCE?! Please?

Today was an insanely productive day, but overall it really felt good. I was up so early that I was working on things like the MOPS Website, and some other MOPS Documents, and doing some organizing, communicating, and brainstorming for the upcoming MOPS year. I am thrilled to be a part of the Steering Team this year, and as Discussion Group Leader, I really hope that I can encourage moms to open up and use each other as a resource.

This afternoon I went to have my first mammogram. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at 40, during her baseline mammo. The "rule" is that you should have a baseline done 10 years prior to the age your mother was diagnosed. I should have gone at 30, but I have been pregnant and/or breastfeeding since I was 28. I decided that because Marek is almost weaned, I really wanted to be proactive and push to get this done. The mammo itself was NOT painful at all. And I really do mean AT ALL. I wasn't even worried about that part of it, because Marek often steps on them, or of course bites them, and so I have a really high pain tolerance when it comes to that, and I also am pretty desensitized. Plus, the more you have, the less it tends to hurt, and I have enough to go around. And around again.

The only uncomfortable part was when I was told that there was a mass showing up in my left breast, and that I would need an ultrasound to determine more about it. I did begin to worry a bit. Not alot, because I knew it could be anything, but yes, I was worrying. Then I got the ultrasound, and sure enough, I could see the mass on the US, and see the tech measure it, and I was a little more nervous. Especially because the "mass" was exactly over a spot that I had just begun to feel about two weeks ago. But the mass was so hard, that it actually felt like bone. The only thing that made me worry that it wasn't bone, was the fact that I didn't have a matching mass on the opposite side. Now, I know that someone is saying "you don't have bones in your boobies!" but it is actually under my arm, on my side, right where the breast tissue meets that bone that runs down your side, right under where your underwire would be. When I felt the "mass" myself, I didn't panic because I knew I already had the Mammo scheduled, and I thought it could have been more of a sore spot due to this weaning thing he has been doing, and because it was so hard that it felt like bone or a calcification of some type.

So when they said they saw a mass on the mammo, I didn't really even remember at first that I had ever felt anything, because I really did NOT think it was anything. Of course, once she started to do the ultrasound, and the mass showed up right where I had felt that hard spot, I was like.... oh no. And then when she sent the images to the radiologist and came back in saying that he wanted to SEE her do the ultrasound for a closer look, I remember thinking.... I can NOT have cancer right now. Isn't that amazing how your mindset thinks? Not "I can't have cancer" because I think I have no control over that, but "I can't have cancer NOW." Why now? Because I have two very small beings that I am completely and totally responsible for. I can NOT be sick. I can NOT. I started to really stress and I decided that really, if it was something, it was already there. There was absolutely nothing that I could do. And so, I closed my eyes and prayed. And then I prayed some more. And then the radiologist came in, and we did the ultrasound for a third time (she had already done it a second time while waiting for him, to make sure she could find it again easily, which of course she could) and then the radiologist told us that it was a cyst and that he is "pretty sure" about that. And we talked about what I should watch for and when I should follow up. I am looking forward to discussing it with my midwife tomorrow, to hear her thoughts on a follow up time. 6 months would make me feel better than 1 year, unless it grows. Because it is so easy for me to feel, I would think that I would be aware of growth fairly easily. I am not completely convinced that it might not be related to weaning.

So. One thing I forgot to mention.... On my way to the hospital I was driving up main street and the car in front of me decided to park. To my astonishment and shock, instead of pulling right into the parking space, they pulled in, and then accelerated quickly (gas instead of brake?) up over the sidewalk and right into the front of the old Ragamuffins/Green River books store (which luckily is empty!) It was a scary sight, but amazingly there was a county police officer parked IN his car, just two spaces away, and he saw the entire thing and was there instantly.

After my appointment I went to Hallmark to pick up some wrapping paper to add to my diminished stash, and to look for black curling ribbon. Which they did not have. But I did buy a few more colors, and a birthday card for my dad. Then I went to get gas, and some lunch, and headed home to relieve my mom. The kids and I played around home a bit, and I worked on some more MOPS things, cutting out popcorn on the cricut for an upcoming project, and responding to messages from other steering team members. Marek and Ardyn spent some time in peals of laughter over the silliest things, which I absolutely adore. Then we got dressed and Marek and I took Ardyn to VBS, which was super exciting. I was nervous to leave her, because she still doesn't really get the concept of not just getting up and walking away. When I left, I told her that she was to sit by her friend Kelsea (who is a year older) and that she was not to leave without Kelsea (because I knew Kelsea would not leave) and then I left. Ardyn gave Marek and I each a kiss goodbye. It was too sweet. Marek grinned from ear to ear.

While Evan and I waited for daddy to come home, I worked in the kitchen a bit and Marek discovered dancing and sliding on the coffee table in his socks, which was incredibly clever of him, and very "Risky Business" - but in the end landed him in time out because I knew that no matter how cute it was, it was going to end badly sometime sooner than later.

When Evan got home we all put on more respectable clothes and went to pick up Ardyn at VBS and then went to Culver's for a late supper. I had to eat fat free because I have bloodwork in the morning and have to have a 12 hour fast. I am assuming that this is also going to be testing my cholesterol, which I am NOT excited about, because I just know that my triglycerides will be high. Especially since a busy mom of two has a hard time eating "healthy" and really sometimes forgets to eat at all. Although I have been eating alot of salad lately... so I guess we will see. Ardyn cracked us up at supper, she started telling me about her "safe side adults" which I was FLOORED to hear. A LONG time ago, about when Marek was born, I bought her the Safe Side DVD that talks about strangers and safety and is made by America's Most Wanted and Missing and Exploited Children. She watched it once when she was less than 2, but I could tell she was bored and didn't get it. Then last night, I had put it in in the van to see what would happen, and she spent the next 15 minutes throwing a hysterical fit because she wanted to watch BARNYARD. I wasn't sure she heard any of it, let alone was able to retain or understand it. She only watched 15 minutes before we were at our destination and changed the DVD to Cinderella. But tonight at supper, she proceeded to describe to me WHO her safe side adults were, and told me that she would draw a safe side circle around herself and yell for Mommy and Daddy if she were in trouble. Then we proceeded to discuss some "Kinda know" people that she might think were safe, but really were NOT safe. I was so shocked that she retained all that! And Understood! Thank GOD for that. So on the way home tonight we stopped at Walmart so I could grab a few things and the kids stayed in the car with daddy watching the Safe Side DVD. Let's see what she remembers tomorrrow?

I have so many things to blog about, three of them being product reviews. Stay tuned and I will get to them! I hope to remember to take my laptop tomorrow when I am out and about and get some things typed up!

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