AWOL

Sorry I have been a bit AWOL. It's become apparent that my daughter doesn't always teethe gracefully. She started with a low grade fever early Tuesday morning, and has progressed to the 101.3 level several times in the past three days. Tuesday afternoon I got called at work and had to go get her from daycare. Because I am so worried when she has the 101 fever, and feels like she is burning up, I can't even imagine her with 103 fever. Or even worse, something higher. Poor Beeb. Tylenol and Ibuprofen will bring the fever down and improve her spirits some, but it doesn't take away the teething pain, and therefore the Dr. doesn't want me to give it to her. Instead we are supposed to do lukewarm baths, but that's not possible while at daycare, nor is it especially feasible in the middle of the night when you have to work the next day. Ugh. Sunday night and last night were the worse. Yesterday she did get her 6 month shots, and around midnight woke up with a fever again. I did give her a dose of Motrin because of the shots and the teething combo, and she slept for a bit, but at 3am was up again until about 5am when she finally screamed herself into exhaustion. Not much I could do to soothe her, I would get her settled and cozy on my chest or my lap, and she would scream herself awake again in about 10 minutes. Poor Beeb. This morning I can feel that one bottom tooth is up further than it was before, but still under the gums. As much as I would like to avoid teeth for their nipple biting tendencies, I don't want to go through this constantly for the next two years, so I hope that this one just surfaces soon and we can have a break.

So mostly I have just been struggling to stay sane and stop from being exhausted. Carrie and Cara stopped over yesterday for a little visit, and it was so good to see them both. More Diapers arrived today... and my first wool and the wool wash and lanolin.

What frustrates me the most about having a child who is sick or not feeling well, is the varied responses that I get from my husband. He is such a good dad. And he really tries to help, but when the going get especially tough, he is still able to fall asleep while I am up with a screaming child, and then when I am up first thing in the morning and getting ready to go to work almost as if last night didn't happen, he is moaning and groaning and lying in bed or sleeping when I am walking out the door to work. This morning I said "What's wrong with this picture?" Argh. This is another reason that I am tired of working. I have to be the responsible party, and I am the one who calls off work and stays home with a sick child (which is fine) but I still have to be the one who gets up and goes off to work each day and loads up everything for daycare, and pumps breastmilk, and washes diapers. All things that are especially pleasant because I am doing them for my child, but especially unpleasant when faced with the added stress of a workweek and traveling and packing and unpacking, and not being able to spend that quality relaxed time with your child or in your home. I feel like my new life motto is "Something's gotta give" and no one but me can see it. I need a t-shirt and I will wear it everyday. Something's gotta give. I can't be expected to live my life this way AND enjoy myself, right? Whose idea was this, that women be the primary caregivers, the responsible ones, AND work? Honestly, I am feeling more and more every day like that was just a totally retarded idea.

Whirlwind Woman

This morning I was like a freakin' whirlwind. Evan had been up until 4:30am, working on reports for work, and I woke up AT 4am when the Beeb decided that it was daytime playtime. I heard her in her room, in the dark, giggling and squealing, laughing, kicking her feet... just having an all over wonderful time. I got her up, fed her, changed her diaper, fed her some more, and she went to sleep with me in the glider in the nursery. I knew that I needed to go back to sleep, but I was feeling pretty awake then, I had about 4.5 hours of sleep already, and her little body was all curled up on me and she was so sweet and so cuddly... I just didn't want to put her down. I really wanted to just take her into bed with me, but I knew that I needed to put her back in the crib and foster her independence. Then Evan and I peeked at the mail, which he had just gotten, he had assembled the breast pump pieces from the sterilizer, and we went to bed. At about 4:45am the Beeb decided that she wanted to still be awake, and putting her pacifier in and patting her butt wouldn't do the trick, so Evan brought her into bed with us, and she lay all curled up between us, facing me and holding my hand. If I hold her hand, she will go to sleep so soundly, and stroke my knuckles with her fingers. So we both fell asleep holding hands, and this morning at 7:30 when the alarm went off, she barely even stirred. Instead of waking her with me as usual, I decided to let her and Evan sleep and I got myself ready. Around 8:30 she woke up on her own, and I fed her, changed her, dressed her, and then went out to start the vehicle and pack everything up.

I finished cocoa cones last night and had about 15 left to deliver, so I packed those all up in the candy cane basket that I wove back in December of 2001 (see photo above!) I got the breast pump, cooler of bottles, my purse, the diaper bag, the cocoa cones, and my grocery and to-do lists all in the vehicle and then Evan helped me load Ardyn up and we were on our merry way. After dropping her at school, I decided to grab groceries before work... we needed toilet paper and toothpaste, bread and milk... and I had to get 5 more Christmas Cards because people who thought we were unworthy of cards as young adults seem to think that now that we have a child, we are worthy. So that increases my Christmas Card list from 52 to 57. That is even without sending cards to all those people who I sent them to in previous years and who ignored me, until about 5 years into it, I decided to stop sending, and now that we have the Beeb, they have suddenly started sending one. Uh. No. Sorry. Not happening. YOU are officially OFF the list!

Of course when I got my entire cart FULL of groceries, and got to the checkout, the debit card wouldn't work. We deposited the paycheck yesterday but apparently it hasn't fully posted yet, to the debit card. So of course here I stand in line, with three people behind me, a cart loaded with groceries, and no way to pay for them. Ugh. So they suspended the transaction and I will have to go back later tonight and get them. Oh Yay! At least we will have toilet paper and bread.

After work tonight the plan is to go to the video store and rent some movies, make a nice hot supper, and then all three of us cuddle up in bed and watch movies as a family. I am so super excited about that, it was Evan's brilliant idea, and I know it sounds insanely boring to some people, especially those without babies, but cuddling with her and making her laugh, squeal, and giggle, is our favorite pastime. Last night she was really talking up a storm with me, squealing and giggling and being so cute and funny. She is practically perfect in every way.

We are both really looking forward to Christmas with her. This Saturday the 22nd is the "anniversary" of our Big Fat Positive Pregnancy Test. It was 12 days past ovulation and I can remember it like it was yesterday. It's a moment that we waited 17 months to have, and It will never leave my mind, the way I felt that day. To imagine that we now have the most perfect and wonderful daughter... it brings tears to your eyes... any mom knows that feeling. Most dads too!

Last night I worked on daycare paperwork, although I know it's quite OCD, I am saving every single paper that they send home with her. Each day I get a report of what she ate and when, when her diapers were changed, etc. etc. And I can't possibly part with one of them. I am sure that will go away someday, but for now I have them organized by date in a accordion file. They even say who picked her up that night (dad or mom) and when I took in new diapers or wipes for the stash. It's crazy. I do also keep a photocopy of each statement and check that I write for daycare, so that I have proof for tax purposes. I need to get myself a sheet feeding scanner so that I can nix all this paper and go electronic with all my receipts. Mwaaahahaha! I also marked all my received Christmas Cards in my book last night. I keep a detailed list of who I sent/received cards from each year. It's in the same book that I store all my birthday/anniversary information, and It's like the bible. Okay, maybe it's more factual than the bible (Oh... Harsh!)

Parents magazine somehow goofed my subscription a bit, I started to receive two issues at a time about three months ago. I had shopped somewhere online where I received a free subscription with a big purchase, and I was already a subscriber, so I thought it would just extend my subscription... but instead I started getting duplicate issues. Being the owner of a mommy brain, I would read the first one, then the second issue (the exact same) would come, and I would sit down to read it and be like "Wow this seems so familiar..." and then I finally figured it out! So I called and they straightened it out, which means that I am all paid up until May of 2012! Whoa! That seems so far from now, but in reality... it's almost 2008 Folks! Holy crap! Do you remember partying like it was 1999? Where is the time going? Sometimes when I think about it I get all upset. This IS the best time of my life so far, and even though I am not quite 30 yet, I often think about being old and dying and leaving my daughter and my husband and my family, and it freaks me out bad. So I really have to steer clear of that mental image and live in the here and now.

On My iPod-
Now Playing: Song For a Winter's Night
Album: Sarah McLachlan's Wintersong